With a 2-1 win over Tunisia under their belt and a harmonious mood among the squad, everything is looking rosy for England’s bid to win the World Cup. Let’s not mess about here – Gareth Southgate has already got one hand on the trophy and we’re all preparing for street parties in three weeks’ time.
But there might be a snag.
Lifting the trophy above his head could prove to be a problem for the England boss, as he’s suffered from a mysterious shoulder dislocation in the past 24 hours.
Southgate claims that it happened while he was out running, busting a gut to smash his own personal best time for a 10k, but that sounds like a load of old bollocks if you ask me. He’s a professional athlete, not that weird kid at school who always came last at cross country and who used to repeatedly hit himself in the face while he ran.
Helpfully, the internet has provided us with a raft of plausible conspiracy theories that can help us understand exactly what has happened to Southgate’s shoulder – feel free to pick your favourite and pass it around your friendship group, in the name of truth and honesty and justice and that…
SOUTHGATE SUFFERED A UNICORN INJURY
We’ve all giggled ourselves sick at the delightful sight of Pickford, Trippier, Lingard and Maguire horsing around on inflatable imaginary dream-horses in the team pool but my spies tell me that’s not the whole story.
Word is that in true leader style, Southgate tried to leap into the pool and land directly on the back of a unicorn, enigmatically roaring, ‘last one to the other end is an unused Panamanian substitute!’
Sadly, he slipped and tumbled forward, landing on his shoulder, urging the players to carry on without him and enjoy their inflatable fun.
SOUTHGATE WAS ATTACKED BY RAHEEM STERLING
After calmly telling the Manchester City forward that he is being rotated for the next match against Panama, my spies tell me that Sterling went all Gazza 1998 in the manager’s hotel room, knocking over a lamp and booting the ‘Best of Kenny G’ CD off the official England managerial sound-system that has been a part of World Cups since Bobby Robson bought it in Dixons before Mexico 86.
Not satisfied with that, Sterling then leapt on to Southgate’s back and yelled, ‘rotate this, pal!’ before twisting the manager’s shoulder right out of its socket.
HE DID IT WHEN KANE SCORED THE WINNER
That gleeful air punch as Kane head-thumped his second goal past the helpless Tunisian keeper on Monday night? Yep – there it is.
Southgate battled on through post-match interviews with his pride almost hurting as much as his shoulder. But not as much. Because he’s dislocated his shoulder, and that f***ing KNACKS.
Incidentally, it is believed that Southgate has taken delivery of an arm on a stick, provided by a Russian hospital, and he’ll be punching the air with it if and when England score against Panama on Sunday.