Yesterday evening, while on a short Spanish holiday, I stumbled upon Real Madrid President Florentino Perez in the lobby of a hotel. It was only hours after it was announced that Spain coach Julen Lopetegui would be joining Madrid after the World Cup and hours before Lopetegui was sacked by the Spanish FA.
As I am a super hot-shot journalist with a Pulitzer Prize almost certainly in the post, I cajoled Perez into giving me an exclusive interview about the dramatic developments…
ANDY: Florentino, thanks for sitting down with me for this interview at what must be a very busy and stressful time for you.
PEREZ: That’s a nice laptop you’ve got. I will take it. For my collection of special things.
ANDY: Erm, I can’t give it to you. For one thing, I’m recording this interview on it and I’ll also need it to type up what we’ve said afterwards.
PEREZ: But I want it. I want to put it with all my other special things. How much did you pay for it?
ANDY: Well, I think it was about €500 but that’s not the point. I really need it.
PEREZ: I will give you €2,000 for it. You can get a nice new one and still do your typing.
ANDY: Well, I don’t know… I’d have to go and buy a new laptop. Do you know if there is somewhere I could…
PEREZ: The shops will be closed in five minutes. All of the shops. Choose now. I want it though. I really, really want it. Three… two… one…
ANDY: Sorry but I’ll have to pass. Florentino, it has been suggested that by some people that your hiring of Julen Lopetegui as the new Real Madrid coach could completely derail Spain’s World Cup campaign. How do you feel about that?
PEREZ: What is Spain?
ANDY: Spain. The country. That has Madrid as its capital.
PEREZ: Oh, THAT Spain? They are in a World Cup? I wasn’t aware – I’ve been very pre-occupied with the well-being of my special things. Julen will be my new curator. He will take very good care of my special things.
ANDY: But Sergio Ramos is the captain of the Spain squad. Isco and Marco Asensio are there too, and other Real Madrid players.
PEREZ: Those boys? I honestly thought they had all gone away together to a Monster Truck carnival in Croatia. It is not my job to watch over them like a hawk. Do you own a hawk? I would like a hawk. Can I have your hawk?
ANDY: I don’t have a hawk, Florentino.
PEREZ: I’ll need two hawks. One for my collection of special things and another one to protect my collection of special things. Maybe someone in the Spanish team at this ‘World Cup’ you keep talking about has two hawks. I will ring them up and order them to bring them to me now…
ANDY: Thank you, Florentino. Everything makes a lot more sense now.
PEREZ: I want a monster truck too. Five monster trucks.
*Disclaimer: Andy Dawson may or may not have spoken to Florentino Perez