Wimbledon’s famous Henman Hill will be unrecognisable this year after club officials decided to clamp down on what they consider to be “unruly behaviour” in recent years.
A spokesperson for the All-England club told Paddy Power News that it was time for change.
Fans watch the play on outside courts at The All England Lawn Tennis Club in Wimbledon, southwest London, on July 3, 2017 on the first day of the 2017 Wimbledon Championships. / AFP PHOTO / Daniel LEAL-OLIVAS / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE (Photo credit should read DANIEL LEAL-OLIVAS/AFP/Getty Images)
“We’ve actually gone and levelled it off” they explained, “We decided it was time to put a stop to the crap Mexican wave.
“The committee are fed up of these posh yobbos coming down here, getting tanked up on Pimms and creating an atmosphere more akin to Glastonbury than the world’s greatest tennis tournament.”
Paddy Power News’ reporter on the ground at SW19, broke the bad news to fans that have been camping out for the past two weeks to ensure they get the best spots;
“I can’t believe it” one explained, “We don’t come here to watch the tennis, it’s all about getting on the BBC when their cameras pan over the hill. We’ve even brought our (now completely unfunny) “Come on Tim!” sign to hold up – I’m distraught.”
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Another intervened with; “Please tell me your joking? We’ve brought our ‘We love you Sue’ banner to try to get on the telly.”
The fuddy-duddies at the All-England club are sure to come under fire from disgruntled fans, following a tightening up of the rules which they hope will sanitise the atmosphere as the nation gets ready to play tennis for the only two weeks of the year;
“We’re putting more strict rules in place on the show courts too” one official told us, “Anyone caught slow hand-clapping when a player makes a challenge or shouting the incredibly unfunny “Come on Tim” before a player serves, will be ejected immediately.
LONDON, ENGLAND – JUNE 24: Spectators enjoy a bowl of strawberries and cream on day one of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club on June 24, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)
“We use the Armed Forces as stewards here, so anyone caught dicking around can expect to do a bit of square-bashing at a nearby barracks.”
The most controversial change of all however, is the abolition of “Peoples’ Saturday” the middle Saturday of the tournament that the All England usually keeps clear for the great unwashed to pay at the gate.
“I’m afraid that’s finished” explained a club insider, “We’ve decided to make this day strictly invite-only. The members felt it was better to have some A-list footballers and D-list reality tv celebrities on centre court, rather than Andy Murray fan cammers.”
Traditionalists will be pleased to know that SW19 hasn’t banished everything that it’s become famous for.
“Sir Cliff Richard will definitely be singing in the members enclosure at some stage” declared another club insider, “It’s due to p**s down for the entire fortnight, so I’m sure at some point you’ll see Pete Sampras doing the conga with Martina Navaratilova.”
*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*
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