Australia rugby coach Eddie Jones has come out fighting, claiming there’s more truth in all seven Harry Potter books than there are in former England international, Danny Cipriani’s recent autobiography.
Having admitted his love for Neville Longbottom and Ron Weasley, Potter superfan Jones is believed to have hidden under his cloak of invisibility for five hours after reading several wild accusations made about him by his former player.
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“Eddie is more inclined to ask one of his players for an opinion on Moaning Myrtle than he is about any of their exes,” a source close to the squad said.
“He thinks the comments are ill-timed ahead of a major tournament and gets the impression it could be the work of Lord Voldemort controlling his former player.
“Either Voldemort or a very questionable PR agent.”
“With that in mind, he had no choice but to cast the Expelliarmus spell to protect himself and his players from any more wrongdoings before their opening fixture against Georgia on Saturday. He feels a lot safer now,” they explained.
With Jones doing everything in his power to protect his Australian side ahead of the World Cup, Paddy Power News managed to speak to local press in a bid to find out if there could be any truth behind Cipriani’s claims.
“Not a chance” we were told.
“Eddie always preferred Charlotte Jackson as a presenter on Sky Sports News, to the point we’re told he once invited her for a game of quidditch with his family.
“She politely declined,” our source said.
With World Cup preparations a little shaky for Jones’ Wallabies side, the same cannot be said for their Southern Hemisphere counterparts the All Blacks, who are looking to go straight in at number one in the official charts around the world.
After months of rumours, an official statement on the All Blacks website has confirmed a pop-remix-mashup of the Haka and the Macarena, titled “the Hakarena”, which will be performed live ahead of their opening fixture this Friday night.
“It’s a terrifying sight to behold,” confirmed the choreographer.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already…
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