We’ve launched a bold new initiative to curtail the spate of booze-fuelled brawls at race meetings in the UK. And no, it’s not that my expense account has been cut for this year’s festival.
In light of recent events and just in time for Ascot, we’ve unveiled our new mobile unit ‘The Drunk Tank’. This pioneering service is our way of cleaning up the streets and is 100% guaranteed (you heard it here) to prevent a Royal Rumble at Britain’s most prestigious race meeting.
Recently racecourse bosses announced that punters could be breathalysed or refused admission as part of a crackdown on brawls that have recently marred meetings at Ascot and Goodwood.
At this point I would just like to clarify that claims that this initiative stems from any Ascot antics of mine last year are nothing but scurrilous hearsay and CCTV footage that suggests otherwise has clearly been faked… yep, definitely faked.
Anyway, we’ve put together a crack team of Power Tower’s beefiest hunks – yours truly included, natch – to cart off those worse for wear in wheelbarrows from Ascot’s streets before drying them out in our Drunk Tank.
The public service initiative will provide temporary accommodation for 50 rat arsed race goers to sleep off the booze inside a 6 x 2 metre container mounted on a lorry.
Our sober squad of sleeper sweepers will be patrolling the streets of Berkshire this week to ensure those tanked up toffs don’t spoil things for residents and decent race-loving folk. Plus, we don’t want any tomfoolery getting in the way of honest punting, of course.
The custom-built unit features a hydraulic tail lift, which I’ve personally tested, for ease of loading. It’s the most comfortable piece of machinery I’ve sat in since I fell asleep in the bucket of a JCB. Don’t ask.
We’re expecting it to be a massive festival of racing with over £100 million fluttered on bets across the week. Order of St George will aim to reclaim his title in the Gold Cup on Thursday for Aidan O’Brien, while John Gosden’s Stradivarius will strive to lower his colours. It’s sure to be a cracker.