The Olympic Federation of Ireland has appealed to International Olympic Committee that Bermuda’s triathlon winner Flora Duffy should count as gold for Ireland in the medals table.
Prompted by numerous observations from ma’s across the country that “she must be Irish”, the OFI were prompted to lodge an official request that her success in the early hours of Tuesday morning should be recognised as a joint medal for both Ireland and Bermuda.
In a statement, the organisation explained how Duffy just has to be Irish.
“Lookit, Flora Duffy – the name speaks for itself.
“She might not be able to tell Tayto from King or Lyons from Barrys but she sounds more Irish than St Patrick binge-watching Fr Ted with a bottle of whisky.”
A later statement clarified that none of St Patrick, the Fr Ted tv show or whisky, are, strictly speaking, Irish but nonetheless, the appeal to the authorities remains in place.
It will be adjudicated on just as soon as the person responsible for making sure the Norwegian womens’ beach handball team wear the regulation-standard pants gets their own knickers’ knot untied, though the OFI have already dispatched an inflatable tricolour hammer, a tin of chocolate Kimberleys and a Reeling in the Years boxset to Tokyo for the would-be Irish triathlete.
A source within the Irish team at Tokyo explained the thinking behind the unusual call.
“We’ve seen the success in the past of the Irish football team has had checking every footballer in the Football League’s granny and grandad for a connection to Ireland.
“Sure, for every Tony Cascarino or Simon Cox there were… well, Tony Cascarino and Simon Cox, but you get the point.
“If Mickey Evans or Paul Butler were Irish, Flora Duffy’s got a very strong case.
And there are plenty of other possible positives should the appeal be successful.
“Winning this appeal could open a huge potential medal haul for us at this and future games.”
“And it could lead to big savings on us actually paying to support athletes in Ireland – that’d be a real win-win for everyone.”
Should the appeal fail, there are still hopes of medals in other disciplines throughout the games for Ireland, with the Irish Horse Dancing team expected to unveil Riverdance-inspired equine Charleston in the medals round of that event.
Also, Irish diver Jim Waters, 29, competing at his first games, has strong medal claims in the 15-metre Pool Bombing.
“I’ve been drinking pint bottles of Guinness and living on spice burgers for the last three months to increase my bulk while launching myself into the kids paddling pool at home at every opportunity.
“It’s fair to say I’m in the best dive-bombing shape of my life.
“My splash radius now extends into the neighbour’s yard. They’re not happy about it but a medal will make all the Garda visits and solicitors letters worthwhile,” he said before the games.
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