Organisers of the Tokyo Olympics are bracing themselves for the emergence of a 400-foot radioactive lizard from the depths of the Pacific Ocean ahead of the opening ceremony, Paddy Power News understands.
The games, less popular in the city than gone-off sushi left out in the sun, has already been cancelled once due to the unprecedented global pandemic and is scheduled to officially launch on Friday morning despite the continuing difficulties posed by Covid 19 as well as a series of other unfortunate events,
Now, on the eve of the opening ceremony, they are expected to be hit by another disaster in the shape of a giant mutant reptile set on wreaking havoc across the greater Tokyo area.
“It’s just another problem we have to deal with”, said a source close to the organising committee.
“The last thing you expect when you’re organising an event like this – besides a global pandemic, supporters being banned from venues, corruption allegations about the bidding process, radiation from a nuclear powerplant, asbestos in the stadiums, and the director of the opening ceremony being fired over inappropriate jokes a day before the ceremony – is a creature the size of a skyscraper emerging from the sea to tear the city and Olympic venues apart.”
Seismic activity off the coast of Japan suggests the slumbering creature has awoken in time to catch the opening week’s swimming events and is particularly keen to see the gymnastics have been an ace on the vault and pommel horse before becoming so f**king massive he crushed them all.
Tokyo organisers have been advised that the presence of the huge destructive force amid the fortnight of sporting activity could have a detrimental effect on the event, but have insisted: “The show must go on.”
“We have already banned all creatures over – and indeed, under – 100ft tall from the venues, as well as all fans from abroad from attending the games.”
“Godzilla, technically from outside Japanese waters, falls under this cohort of fans and will be prevented from attending any events – except maybe the sailing, cos that’s in the sea anyway, innit?”
And should the monstrous being refuse to adhere to the organisers’ wishes?
“We can only hope that the monster will accept an XXXXXXXXXL size Tokyo 2020 sweatshirt and keyring and bog off back to the sea bed so we can get on with the important business of staging events in empty stadiums.”
And they are confident they can cope with the challenges this creates.
“As long as he doesn’t bring along King Kong, we should be fine – that is one primate who can’t handle his sake,” a spokesman said before forcing his head into a bucket of sand.
Now, all the authorities have to worry about is the possibility of the Olympic torch accidentally setting fire to a local orphanage or a huge meteorite smashing into the planet, ending human life as we know and scuppering their best-laid plans.
- Werner visits farm, tries to hit cow’s backside with banjo
- Revealed: Why Tom Cruise is at EVERY sports event this summer
- Grealish pledges international future to Love Island after Euro disappointment
- Amazon Prime producers rename series “Nothing: Arsenal”
- Bloke on Facebook would’ve picked different penalty takers
- Football’s coming home… to Ireland! Paddy donates €129k to grassroots footy