Reports: Super Bowl expected to break out during 4 hours of ads

I can hardly wait


An American football game is expected to break out during tonight’s four-hour Super Bowl ad-break, Paddy Power news has learned.

Sources have confirmed that somewhere between a promo for car insurance and a montage of cricket grandads morphing into Antonio Conte, some extremely fat men will run into one another repeatedly.


It’s also expected other extremely fat men will shout “woohoo” and “yeah” into TV cameras while an ovoid ball will inexplicably slip through someone’s hands despite it being easier to literally just fall on the f**king thing.

“It’s sensational news,” said Hank McYankywank, who we asked to comment on the story because he went to Disneyworld for a week as a kid and came back with an American accent.

SANTA CLARA, CA – SEPTEMBER 14: A general view during the singing of the National Anthem before the San Francisco 49ers game against the Chicago Bears at Levi’s Stadium on September 14, 2014 in Santa Clara, California. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

“There’s nothing quite like waking up the day after the Super Bowl and having an inexplicable urge sort out a pension, plan your funeral ahead of time, or take out an ill-advised personal loan at frankly extortionate interest rates,” he said.

“And let’s not forget the three-digit phone bill you can rack up on those oh-so-tempting chatlines.

“Oh boy, that takes me back…”

Speaking from his mum’s basement, the self-described full-time crypto trader and wrestling blogger had already begun eating the 14 bags of Doritos, 36 jars of dips and seven pizzas he’d arranged for his Super Bowl party.

When asked who else would attend, he confirmed a visit from Jethro, his cat, could not be ruled, and his da might watch the first five minutes before dozing off.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA – FEBRUARY 03: A replica statue of the Vince Lombardi trophy stands before Super Bowl LIII between the New England Patriots and Los Angeles Rams outside Mercedes-Benz Stadium on February 03, 2019 in Atlanta, Georgia. (Photo by Logan Riely/Getty Images)

Asked why anyone would stay up til 4:30 in the morning to watch this event, the 34-year-old explained that “the Super Bowl is one of the greatest traditions in the US national calendar.”

“It’s right up there with losing a limb to fireworks on Independence Day, exaggerating how offensive your uncle is for likes and retweets on Thanksgiving, and going postal at the office because Jenny from accounts laughed at your wang during the Christmas party.”

Asked who he expects to win the game, the Dudley resident used a lot of terms we’re pretty sure he doesn’t know the meaning of and said “deee-fence” multiple times as our reporter slowly moved away.

The game itself is expected to begin at 11:40pm UK time, and authorities are warning motorists to be vigilant tomorrow morning as thousands of grey-faced zombies are expected to wander the streets on their way to work groaning “why did I stay up to watch that sh*te?”

More on this developing story as we get it…


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