Super Bowl guide: How to sham your way through Sunday in Miami

No idea what's actually going on in a typical NFL match? We've got everything you need to know.

KANSAS CITY, MO - SEPTEMBER 23: Head coach Andy Reid of the Kansas City Chiefs and head coach Kyle Shanahan of the San Francisco 49ers speak after the game at midfield at Arrowhead Stadium on September 23rd, 2018 in Kansas City, Missouri. (Photo by David Eulitt/Getty Images)

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Ah yes, the Super Bowl. The grandest, loudest, shiniest and most pungent example of Americana outside of Donald Trump’s private White House bathroom.

By now, most observers this side of the Atlantic are familiar with the Super Bowl’s existence and have grasped the idea that it’s a bit like a combination of the FA Cup final, the World Cup final and a poorly organised K-pop concert at Wembley.

But it’s come to Paddy’s attention that there are plenty of gaps in the NFL knowledge of many in the UK and Ireland, despite the proliferation of Super Bowl parties and a general increase in the number of people chatting sh*te about previously mysterious things like RPO and Tom Brady’s diminished passing range. For the average man or woman in the street, all this can be more than a little confusing.

So, in anticipation of many of you heading off to watch the match in pubs, sports bars or mates’ gaffs on Sunday evening without having any idea what’s actually going on, we’re here to help. Welcome, then, to Paddy’s handy guide on how to make it through the Super Bowl without looking like an absolute mug.

If you follow these easy steps, you should be able to get through the night without being outed as a n00b.

KANSAS CITY, MO - OCTOBER 21: Head coach Andy Reid of the Kansas City Chiefs stands on the sidelines that would earn him his 200th career victory as a head coach during the second half of the game against the Cincinnati Bengals at Arrowhead Stadium on October 21, 2018 in Kansas City, Kansas. (Photo by David Eulitt/Getty Images)

Call it “football”, even though it’s clearly not actual football

Okay, look, let’s not get into the whole debate about which sport gets to be called “football”. The reality is that different countries have different types of football, and in America “football” equals the sport you’ll be watching take place on Sunday night in Miami.

So, adjust your brain accordingly. Don’t fall into the trap of saying “American football”.

This is a classic error, and will immediately lead to a loss of credibility among the bearded fat lads wearing oversize NFL shirts who will almost certainly comprise the majority of the people with whom you’ll be viewing the game.

At a push, use “gridiron” if it’s really necessary to distinguish between the type of football played by Leo Messi and the type of football played by Patrick Mahomes.

At all costs, avoid complaining about the constant stoppages

A typical NFL match is as stop-start as a Jorginho penalty run-up (don’t even consider making a joke like this on Sunday), but even if you’re ready to cry after the 453rd “TV timeout” of the evening, just remember that as a bona fide Football Expert, all this faffing about is completely normal to you. In fact, you WELCOME the stoppages, as it gives you a chance to analyse and think about the game-situation.

A true NFL aficionado will never object or comment on the fact that the players are either standing still or sitting down for a significant portion of a game. This is due to the importance of strategy, clock-management and player specialisation.

A true NFL aficionado also knows that coaches need time to survey the board in these chess games on turf, so it’s vital you take the point-of-view that these seemingly interminable breaks in play are integral to the sport. Don’t mention things like shortening the play-clock or refer to the fact the teams are split into a defensive and offensive group. This is a surefire way to earn scorn, piss off the neckbeards and expose your deep lack of knowledge of the game.

Don’t bemoan the lack of action, embrace it. If needs be, use the vast amounts of downtime to have a glance through Twitter and check what people with more NFL expertise than you are saying – and then parrot it incessantly to anyone who’ll listen.

BALTIMORE, MD - SEPTEMBER 17: A referee views a replay as a play is challenged in a game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Cleveland Browns at M&T Bank Stadium on September 17, 2017 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)

It’s important to demonstrate knowledge of the two head coaches

Remember: Kyle Shanahan is the talented young tyro; Andy Reid is the wily old fox (don’t even consider mentioning the former Ireland midfielder; a true NFLer has no idea who he is). Think of Shanahan as an Eddie Howe-type character who has also benefitted from a healthy dose of nepotism and privilege, while Reid is a bit like Maurizio Sarri without the nicotine.

If you’re at a loss at any point, just blurt out something along the lines of, “Wow, this really is an absorbing clash between two coaches in very contrasting stages of their careers.”

This is an evergreen statement, as good before kickoff as with two minutes to go in the fourth quarter, and should trigger enough conversation to allow you to step back and sip quietly on your beverage of choice, while hopefully not being asked any follow-up questions.

Should you be feeling particularly confident, feel free to throw in a “classic Reid call, that” if you see the Chiefs pulling off a fancy-looking move, or a “straight out of the Shanahan playbook, this drive” if you happen to notice that the 49ers haven’t passed the ball once in a nine-minute possession.

Learn the intricacies of several obscure NFL rules

Honestly, NFL rules can be a minefield at times. So labyrinthine and complex are the laws of the game that most American TV channels will have an expert “Rules Analyst” like Gene Steratore on hand just to explain to viewers what’s actually happening with a refereeing decision and why.

If you can get ahead of the curve with this, you’ll be in clover – big time. Even if you don’t know the simple basics of the sport, we suggest taking a look at the NFL rulebook, picking out four or five ridiculously convoluted rules and learning them off by heart.

That way, while you may not have a breeze what a “Pass Interference” call is, you can leap out of your chair when an Automatic Coin Toss Loss or Back-to-Back Timeout penalty crops up.

Refer to players by their nicknames

Nothing says Omniscient Master Of Football Knowledge like calling Travis Kelce “Baby Gronk” or Jimmy Garoppolo “Jimmy GQ”.

Nicknames suggest familiarity and, as a bluffy wee bluffer, you’ll want to pass yourself off as being completely familiar with each and every player on both teams’ rosters, from quarterback down to third-string punter. So, we suggest Googling things like “Anthony Sherman KC Chiefs nickname” (“The Sausage”, FYI) and jotting down the results.

That way, when Garoppolo chucks a 7-yarder to Emmanuel Sanders, you can pipe up: “JGQ sure loves to hit Madball with those quick offloads”. Even if you don’t actually know a given player’s nickname, just add a “y” to the end, which works in most cases: “Great completion, Mahomesy.”

A Football Expert does not ask, “why don’t they just keep passing it to each other?”

If you’ve watched a rugby match, you’ll be aware that when players are tackled they often simply offload the ball backwards to one of their team-mates.

Sadly, this is a concept that has never really caught on in the NFL, except under certain specific circumstances. If you do bring up this idea, you’ll likely be met with angry rants about “risk-avoidance”, wherein you’ll be informed that possession in football is too incredibly important to do something so insane as tossing the pigskin five yards to your left or right when it looks as if you’re about to be brought down.

If you end up on the receiving end of such a diatribe, you must avoid under any circumstances suggesting that this is an incredibly basic and easy-to-learn skill. Doing so will only enrage the ranter even further. Because Sorry, You Just Don’t Understand The Game.

NFL fans fear the potential randomness that “laterals” bring, but even more than that they fear the idea that the game they love has anything to learn from other sports – and so should you.

Moneyline: 49ers 11/10, Chiefs 8/11