Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has announced his intention to return to his home planet should he secure a second Super Bowl ring this season.
The 13-year veteran signal-caller had previously kept his identity as extra-terrestrial being under wraps, but his Herculean performance on Sunday night, dragging his team back from a 20-0 deficit to win 24-23, has meant he can no longer maintain the façade of human form.
Mr Rodgers, 34, decided that now was the time to end speculation as to the nature and origin of his super-human abilities.
In an emotional press conference, the 2005 first round pick said that maintaining the pretence that he was a member of the human race is no longer possible.
“Look, guys, I’m just an average accumulation of matter that was projected to Earth from beyond the bounds of what you beings call the solar system via a process that is far too complex for your limited brains to understand.
“The fact that my cells work together in such a manner that I can perform feats of footballing excellence barely imaginable to your limited understanding is as much of a burden as it is a gift.”
He explained how “injuries” earlier in his career were in fact breaks he chose to take from the game due to the intense focus on his performances.
“When I landed here I thought, ‘Hey, this Green Bay place, it’s tiny, I can just throw the ball around here and no one will take much notice’. And the weather, well, it’s not that different from beyond the reach of the sun’s rays,” he joked.
But it was during the meeting with the Chicago Bears in week one that he came to the realisation he could no longer go on living a lie.
“I was in the locker room and thinking, ‘Do I really want to keep doing this? Pretending to be hurt just to escape, to stop people speculating that I was not in fact of this world.’
“And then I just said screw it, let’s do this!”
Hampered by an apparent knee injury, Rodgers rallied his team to lead them to a win on the opening weekend of the season, and stated his intention to launch from the scene of his second Super Bowl victory into the stratosphere and return to his home beyond the stars.
In the interests of his fellow competitors, Rodgers said he would return to his place of origin once he had delivered a fifth Lombardi trophy to the Paskers fans as a parting gift.
Following Rodgers’ announcement, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would review all records in light of the newly-discovered status of the Green Bay hero.
“As far as I am aware, the league’s rule and by-laws do not preclude life forms from beyond this planet competing, but maybe we’ll add an asterisk to stats in future. Before Rodgers, After Rodgers, something like that,” he said.
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