Ireland will stick to training and riding horses after realising how sh*te they’ve become at other sports, it has emerged.
In a new government directive announced this morning, all Irish children born after 2015 will desist from learning any sports other than horse racing. The move comes following the recent poor performances of all Irish sportspersons but especially those involved in soccer and rugby.
‘In the wake of the Six Nations rugby defeat to England and the piss poor results of the football team, we’ve decided to concentrate on horse racing henceforth’, revealed Minister for Transport, Tourism and Sport, Shane Ross during an emergency session this morning.
— John Holland (@sickboydub) February 27, 2020
‘I’ve informed the IRFU and FAI this morning that we no longer require their services. See y’all at Cheltenham boys’, roared Ross, while waving a rolled up copy of the Racing Post above his head.
The news was welcomed by parents across the country who’ve spent countless mornings watching their kids play soccer and rugby in the pissing rain.
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‘Thank f**k for that’, said mother-of-two, Sandra O’Dowd, while sticking her 6-seater Fiat Multipla on Gumtree. ‘One more Saturday morning spent applauding these two for missing open goals and I think I’d lose my mind.
‘Watching tiny men in flamboyant shirts ride around on horses while absolutely pissed on prosecco is where the fun’s really at’, winked fellow former soccer mom Barbara Kelly. ‘I’m chucking my tracksuit in the bin and getting myself one of those silly hats those posh gobsh*tes wear at the festivals instead.
‘I’ll get the hubby a top hat too. It can double-up as a vessel for vomiting and defecating in once he gets hammered’, she grinned.
Meanwhile, Irish football fans said they welcomed the move because they feared another dreary game against Denmark. An online poll by IMDb & Irish supporters’ clubs voted Republic of Ireland v Denmark as the worst franchise of all time, pipping the awful Fast & Furious series to the crown in the process.