Paddy’s got your back with his Royal Ascot survival guide

Royal Ascot is undoubtedly Flat racing’s biggest event of the year – attracting many of the world’s finest racehorses and piss-artists to Berkshire for this prestigious five-day festival.

But if this is your first visit to Royal Ascot, never fear! We’ve devised this handy little survival guide to help you get through it unscathed.

1. Handle your drink

For many punters, the sight of large galloping beasts with little men in flamboyant shirts on their backs, is an unwelcome distraction from a five-day alcohol-soaked bender. But remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint. The last thing you want is to find yourself puking into a crap-filled portaloo halfway through day one.

So, if you can’t drink for sh*t, pace yourself. Take breakfast for example. Instead of sucking prosecco from the bottle like a ravenous piglet at its mother’s teat, have a cup of Earl Grey with your fry up. Drink for five solid days responsibly.

2. Take an umbrella – it could fend off an attack

The English weather is almost as unpredictable as the behaviour of an inebriated toff. One minute you could be basking in the glorious sunshine, the next you could be shielding yourself from the rain or a frenzied attack by a pissed-up woman wielding a high-heel shoe. Why not protect yourself from both by bringing a brolly? You can always use the pointed end  to fend off rat-arsed revellers.

And remember, Royal Ascot has free wi-fi. So you’ll be able to upload any footage of these brawls to social media instantly. Thus ruining the lives of those involved before they’ve had a chance to sober up and realise what they’ve done.

3. Wear a big silly hat

It doesn’t matter how you’ve managed to find your way into the Royal Enclosure – whether self-made, married well or a born-into-privilege twat. But wearing a ridiculous-looking hat is absolutely mandatory. Men must wear top hats which will also double-up as vessels for vomiting and defecating in once absolutely hammered.

And while you might think Royal Ascot is about the horse racing, in reality, all eyes are on the ladies and their extravagant hats. Each year these tantalizing titfers become more outlandish. Which is grand if you’re Grace Jones or Lady Gaga. But if you’re Sandra from Basingstoke, you’ll probably just look a bit of a dick.

4. Race Card

If you’re a bit of a racing novice or even if you’re just too sloshed to understand what’s going on around you, then a Royal Ascot race card is an essential piece of kit. It’ll provide you with all the information you need to know about the race times, the horses, jockeys and where the nearest prosecco bar is.

And while providing valuable information for punters, the race card can also be rolled up to become a makeshift funnel for gents nowhere near a urinal.

5. Flash your winnings at losers

If you touch lucky and manage to back a winner, make sure to share the special moment with those around you by fanning yourself with a wad of freshly procured notes. Alerting everyone within earshot to a big win is a sure-fire way to gain a lot of new friends.

Test out your new-found popularity by heading to the nearest bathroom and watch as you’re followed by a group of stern-looking folk with thick Irish accents.