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Cheltenham Day One: as it happened

Here's how day one went down

Live Cheltenham Text Commentary

With all the latest news and snarky comments you need to keep you up to speed

Some of it might even be useful

Yaaaasssss! IT’S FINALLY HERE AND WE’RE SO EXCITED, THE USE OF CAPS LOCK IS ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED!!

After all the debate and b0ll0x-talking, Cheltenham 2016 is here and what a day to get things started. It’s just like Christmas – we’re stuck in a room full of people we have a tenuous link with and are generally ambivalent towards plus the lingering elephant in the room that is socially acceptable alcoholism is lingering around … I mean so SO BLOODY GIDDY WITH EXCITEMENT!!!

I’ll be here throughout to day for anyone who may be stuck in an office, university or monastery and wants to be kept up to speed with all the happenings at the Festival. Or anyone who is watching the racing, but just wants a cynical commentary to accompany the overly joyous back-slapping of Channel 4.

And just to keep things spicy and have me permanently one typo away from instant dismissal, I’ll also have my world famous HELL OF A HORSE COUNT and my less famous CREEPY SLOW MOTION MONTAGE COUNT. What a time to be alive!

HELL OF A HORSE COUNT: 1

CREEPY SLOW MOTION MONTAGE COUNT: 10

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What do you think?