A man has stuck a blue flare up his a*se ahead of the tee-off this afternoon of the Ryder Cup in Haven, Wisconsin.
Derek Tweed, 46, from Kettering, Northamptonshire, was so excited about the biennial showdown of Europe’s best golfers against 11 bank managers and (usually) Tiger Woods that he lit the blue touch paper literally this morning – and then stuffed it up his backside in the front garden for all the neighbours to see.
“I can’t explain it – I just bloody love the Ryder Cup,” he said, his voice muffled by his hoodie as he continued to stand, bent over, with navy-coloured smoke wafting across the sky.
“You know how it is – the Europe flags are out on all the houses, every kid’s in a Europe polo-shirt, “Golf’s coming home” is on the radio 24/7 – there’s just a great sense of togetherness, the whole of Europe united as one to take on the rest.
“It just seemed natural to shove something on fire up my a*se, y’know?”
When asked if Whistling Straits could be a problem, he said “I hope not, I’ve just wedged it up there – it should be a few singes at worst.”
And Mr Tweed is clearly confident the European team can overcome the heavily-favoured Americans, chanting “Padraig you’re the one, you still turn me on, let’s ‘get in the hole’ again!” when asked about his beloved team’s chances.
He also confirmed he had an extra special celebration in store should the Europeans triumph on Sunday.
“All I’m saying is I got a three-for-one on these flares – and I’m sure Padraig Harrington would appreciate a green one Sunday night,” before breaking into an impromptu chorus of “Poulter’s on fire! Dechambeau is terrified! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na…”
And he is especially bullish on their chances due to the absence this year of Tiger Woods due to persistent injury.
“He’d been hitting it so well,” he said. “I’ve never seen Jeep windows smashed so cleanly.”
“One swing. Pow!”
“And he’s just a great guy to have around the team too – especially if he brings Chrystal, Amy, Brandi, Holly, Tasha, Nikki, Jojo, Chantal and whoever he was talking to in the bar last night with him.”
And with rumours already swirling that Brooks Koepka lined Bryson Dechambeau’s underpants with Deep Heat before one of the practice rounds, tensions could come to the boil in the US locker room if they get off to a slow start.
“It’ll all come down to picking the right pairs,” he said. “Putting those two together would be as dumb as jamming an explosive object up your bum and setting it alight…”
“Now, if you could just position the telly so I can watch it through the front window while this thing burns out that’d be great, thanks”.
Meanwhile, there are unconfirmed reports of Whatsapp groups arranging a “Wisconsin jib” for Friday evening at the Whistling Straits course.
Swathes of middle-aged men in fluorescent slacks and sensible knitwear are rumoured to be descending on the Ryder Cup host venue with the aim of jumping the entrance barriers.
A spokesman for the Ryder Cup organisers said that a riot squad is on hand should they be required, but they’re hopeful a stack of Aldi’s upcoming specials brochures will be enough to distract any dads planning to invade the course.
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