Mercedes Team Principal Toto Wolff has today announced he is to be the team’s new driver following Lewis Hamilton’s move to Ferrari.
Despite already being a shareholder, CEO and Team Principal of Mercedes, 52-year-old Wolff has expressed his excitement at taking on the driving role, predicting podium finishes and record-breaking Grand Prix times; and apparently it doesn’t stop there.
“Not only will he be driving the car, but he will also be talking into his own ear as race engineer, as well as managing his own pit-stops too,” confirmed a confused team member.
“He’s brought us all into a team meeting where he stood on the stage in nothing but a cape and Y-fronts on the outside of his trousers, suggesting it will be in the best interest of Mercedes if he simply hops out of the vehicle and changes his own wheels, then hops back in and carries on driving.
“He’s the boss, he’s the leader, he’s the driver, he’s the engineer and in his own mind he’s Superman, so we can’t really argue with him.”
While excitement at Wolff’s ever-increasing role spreads through the Mercedes team like poisoned Koolaid in a cult compound, Hamilton has had a slightly more difficult job on his hands in convincing the F1 world his move to Ferrari will not change his desire to appear American.
Hamilton, who usually addresses the media via video feed from his L.A mansion whilst sipping Mountain Dew, was this time based at the very top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, tucking into a bowl of tagliatelle carbonara, where he was quick to talk about his excitement for the challenge ahead.
“For Lewis Hamilton, it’s all about the team and less about the lifestyle,” said Lewis Hamilton, talking about himself in the third person using expressive hand gestures with Nessun Dorma by Pavaroitti playing in the background.
“Lewis Hamilton is excited about the new challenge. No, not the challenge of riding a Vespa around the streets of Tuscany, or trying every flavour of Gelato, but the challenge of helping Ferrari to their first win since 2007.”
Hamilton swiftly left the call as he was running late for his pizza making lesson with Gino D’Acampo.
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