WWE puppetmaster Vince McMahon has sensationally been unveiled as the new race director ahead of F1’s season opener in Bahrain.
Following the wild success of last year’s storyline of Max Verstappen nicking Lewis Hamilton’s world champion crown on the final lap, producers of the high-octane show are keen to keep the stunning twists and turns coming in 2022.
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The 76-year-old wrestling promoter has been chosen from a shortlist that included former Eastenders and Corrie producers, Eddie Hearn, director of The Sixth Sense (as well as numerous poorer imitations of The Sixth Sense) M Night Shymalan, and the person who convinced John Terry buying jpegs of cartoon monkeys is a sound business decision.
Now, it is McMahon’s job to create the ludicrous fantasies that’ll sustain Formula 1 as at least the world’s twelfth most interesting sport, having crept ahead of snooker after last season’s stunning conclusion and with pro Kabaddi in its sights.
The muscle-bound millionaire said in a statement that he “cannot wait to take up the new challenge” of handling a bunch of people who are even more jacked up on the smell of their own farts than WWE’s roster of grappling egomaniacs.
“I’ve taken a Stone-Cold stunner, the People’s Elbow, and I even sat through the whole of Mr. Nanny once to keep Hulk Hogan onside, so I think I can handle Lewis Hamilton if he scoots into my office to complain that the new, soon-to-unveiled lycra driving suits are chaffing his nipples.”
“And if he doesn’t like it, I’m sure there’ll be a conveniently placed aluminium trashcan on-hand for me to blindside him with as he whirs away.”
Mercedes’ British driver Lewis Hamilton rides a scooter before the Formula One Russian Grand Prix at the Sochi Autodrom circuit in Sochi on September 26, 2021. (Photo by Yuri Kochetkov / POOL / AFP) (Photo by YURI KOCHETKOV/POOL/AFP via Getty Images)
McMahon was playing his card close to his chest about potential storylines this season in introductory interviews, but did not rule out the possibility that Verstappen and Hamilton could go head-to-head in a pit-lane ladder match to decide the 2022 world drive championship.
“It’d be highly unusual, of course, but then so is manipulating the safety car rules to confect a seemingly impossible world-title finale for the sake of a Netflix docu series, but that’s just what happened last year!”
It remains to be seen what other changes the wrestling supremo will introduce, though rumours are already swirling that pole position for races this season will be decided by all drivers scrapping it out Royal Rumble-style each weekend.
“Any ensuing injuries will only add to the drama of them having to drive at high-speed!” an FIA source said. “Just thinking of the streaming numbers.”
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