Arsenal Transfer News: Gunners to make emergency Francis Jeffers deadline day signing ​

Desperate times at the Emirates

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Arsenal are desperate to bring in a new striker before the transfer window slams shut on Monday night and Paddy Power News understands that The Gunners are set to turn to one of their former players to fire them into the top-four – Scouse sharp-shooter Francis Jeffers.

“One of our scouts in the North-West spotted him playing for the Dog & Duck pub the other Sunday, where he saw him score all their goals in a 10-0 win,” an Emirates insider explained.

“He called Mikel Arteta straight away who told him to offer Jeffers a pay as you play contract on the back of a fag packet.”

Another insider at the club’s London Colney complex said that Jeffers had been secretly training with the first-team squad this week, away from the prying eyes of the media.

“He can still do a job,” they explained. “The way Franny made a fool out of Rob Holding every time he got near him was impressive. He’s clearly ready to take the league by storm. Or maybe Rob’s just crap.”

Jeffers left his boyhood club Everton for North London over 20 years ago as one of the hottest properties in English football but his failure to get to grips with coach Arsene Wenger’s tactics saw his first-team appearances limited to games against sh*t teams like City before they got rich.

His current boss at the Dog & Duck has no doubts that he can still do it on a wet Wednesday night in Burnley.

“He’s been great since he joined. If Aubameyang can stand around for the Arse up-front, then Franny can do it just as well,” he said, before explaining how they signed the former pro.

“We were dead lucky because we only brought him in as a painter-decorator to tart up the dressing rooms. We didn’t know he’d played professionally til he showed up in one of those stupidly long bench coats.

“No one would actually buy one of those, so we knew he must’ve played.”

And the Gooners have agreed to play a pre-season friendly against the amateur side this summer as part of the deal for Jeffers.

“It’s a win-win situation all round”, one of the regulars told us, “we can’t wait to see Arteta helping to clear the dog sh*t off the pitch and put the nets up.”

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news, and that’s the truth – honest*

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