Revealed: Newcastle’s scouting report on Mario Balotelli ahead of move ​

Why always him?

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Newcastle United have been linked with a move for Italian striker Mario Balotelli. Paddy Power News understands that the new club owners, knowing f*ck all about football, have asked their chief scout for a background report on the player before finalising any agreement.

We’ve compiled one ourselves, just in case Amanda Staveley needs a second opinion…

Mario Balotelli

CAREER HIGHS AND LOWS

  • Unlikely to settle at one club for any great length of time.
  • Arrived in England in 2010 to join Manchester City and helped win their first Premier League title.
  • Wore a t-shirt that had “Why always me?” written on it after scoring in a 6-1 win against United in the derby.
  • Set fire to the house he was renting by setting off fireworks in his bathroom. Failed to call 999 until he’d checked into the nearest hotel.
  • Quickly despatched back to Italy on-loan to Milan.
  • Forbidden from using any pyrotechnic equipment.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND – FEBRUARY 19: Mario Balotelli of Liverpool celebrates after scoring the opening goal from the penalty spot during the UEFA Europa League Round of 32 match between Liverpool FC and Besiktas JK at Anfield on February 19, 2015 in Liverpool, United Kingdom. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

PREMIER LEAGUE RETURN

  • Came back to England to join Liverpool where nobody remembers him actually playing a game.
  • Failed to find any video evidence and even scoured eBay to find a match programme that had him in the starting XI.
  • Outbid by Liverpool obsessive as deemed a “collector’s item” on the level of a used Robbie Fowler noseband and FA Cup Final white suit.

SUPER MARIO’S EUROPEAN TOUR

  • Went back to Milan before signing for Nice in 2016. Actually spent three years on the Cote d’Azur where he did quite well.
  • Joined Marseille. Bet a waiter in a restaurant that he wouldn’t be prepared to ride his Vespa into the sea.
  • Lost his bet and was trolled on social media by angry environmentalists.
  • Returned to Italy to play for his hometown club Brescia.
  • Re-united with his old Milan President Silvio Berlusconi after he purchased Monza, but left after six months to join Turkish club Adana Demirspor where he currently resides.

GENOA, ITALY – APRIL 17: Mario Balotelli of AC Milan gestures during the Serie A match between UC Sampdoria and AC Milan at Stadio Luigi Ferraris on April 17, 2016 in Genoa, Italy. (Photo by Marco Luzzani/Getty Images)

POSITIVES

  • Mario’s experiences of playing against sub-standard opposition will be an asset in the Championship next season even if he only hangs around until Christmas.
  • Can’t be any worse than some of the dross already in the team.
  • May be worth having a quick chat with Kevin Keegan too, as he brought Tino Asprilla to St James’ and could give Eddie advice on how to control a potential loose cannon.
  • Heart of gold – he bought the guy who rode his scooter into the sea a brand new Vespa by way of an apology.
  • Was frequently seen giving away 500 quid rolls to people who needed a roof over their heads.

NEGATIVES

  • Brilliant but temperamental. On his day he can be as good as Asprilla, Ginola and Shearer, but when he’s not in the mood, he can be as bad as Gabriel Obertan.
  • Needs to be made more aware of environmental issues. Never put any petrol in his car when it was empty in Manchester. Preferred instead to abandon it and go out and buy a replacement.
  • Would need to get used to having meal times with the rest of the squad. At City he was allowed to go out and get an Italian take-away, which he used to eat outside the restaurant in his Lamborghini.
  • Must never be allowed near any naked flames.
  • Maybe an idea to call AC-12 for round the clock surveillance.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news, and that’s the truth – honest*

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