Daniel Sturridge has decided to launch his own version of Squid Game to find the person fit to cut his hair in Western Australia, Paddy Power News has learned.
The England international put out a desperate call on Instagram this week to find a stylist capable of matching his hairy demands as he prepares to debut for Perth Glory.
“You see the vibes, crispy clean, smooth like I wash my face with cake soap,” before unloading a list of demands that would have Mariah Carey’s PA suffering palpitations.
“Don’t submit your CV unless you can also deliver 1,000 blue M&Ms in an elephant’s skull, each numbered by the hand of a wizened crone.”
“Also, only submit your CV once you’ve buried an eastward facing turnip under the pale blue light of a full moon.
“When the cock crows three times and no more you will know you have successfully passed the first round of the process.”
Those who make it through will then enter a series of sadistic games by which the competing barbers will deploy any means necessary to outlast the other applicants.
“We’ve got some twisted sh*t lined up for them – it’s like Squid Games, but with more chubby lads in skinny jeans,” a close associate of the footballer confirmed.
“First, they’ll have to listen to Daniel describe his ideal barnet in minute detail without bursting into laughter or calling him a tw*t.“
“Sounds impossible, I know!”
Our source explained how anyone who makes it through will then be randomly assigned a mannequin with replicas of some of football’s most notorious dodgy dos – Chamakh’s dead rat, Cesc’s mullet, Ian Walker’ curtains, David Luiz’s perm – and have ten minutes to rescue them.
Those who fail to turn Marouane Fellaini’s bouffant or David Seaman’s ponytail into something moderately more socially acceptable will be abandoned in the Outback for the dingos to pick off.
Finally, the remaining contestants will be chained to barbers’ chairs and left to cut hair constantly – as soon as they ask “going anywhere nice on your holidays?” they will be eliminated until only one remains to deliver a short-back-and-sides to Mr Sturridge and earn a “yeah, looks good, mate” from the ex-Liverpool star.
Man United are said to be “monitoring the process with interest” as they plan to tell supporters that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s going to live on a farm far, far away and begin the search for a new manager.
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