Revealed: United placed Varane on Phil Jones fitness programme ​

Think we've found the issue.


Manchester United defender Raphael Varane has spoken out about his confusion at being placed on the same fitness programme as fellow Reds Phil Jones and Eric Bailly, who between them have played a total of six minutes of football since 2017 due to persistent injuries.


Having been ruled out for four weeks with a hamstring injury despite only just returning to full fitness, the much-decorated French superstar is understood to be at loggerheads with the staff at Old Trafford who have incorporated a number of “concerning” practices into Varane’s daily routine, such as running full speed directly into Luke Shaw whilst blindfolded, headbutting a wall for six hours straight to see if the brickwork can be disrupted, and trying to outjump a Kangaroo on a trampoline whilst wearing ice skates.

“I have no idea why they ask us to do the things they do,” confirmed a frustrated (and limping) Varane.

“The coaches put banana skins in all of the Carrington corridors claiming it improves our awareness. I’ve slipped and hurt myself about 20 times.

Raphael Varane Manchester United

“They think adding calcium to all of my meals will strengthen my bones, yet they are quite happy to replace a football with a watermelon when asking me to practice my headers. It’s no wonder Phil and Eric are always injured if this is what they’ve been made to do.”

Paddy Power News managed to speak to Varane’s agent who is understood to be weighing up January transfer options for his client.

“Rafa came to England thinking the fitness sessions would involve a Davina McCall Dance Workout DVD and his nutritional intake would be based on Lean in 15 by the Body Coach Joe Wicks, two British people he adores.

“Yet a typical training session involves more dangerous stunts than what The Wet Bandits went through in Home Alone.”

“It’s no wonder United are in the sh*t,” he concluded.

Having learnt of Varane’s unhappiness, Manchester United released this statement.

“Here at Manchester United we take training, fitness and nutrition very seriously. Over the years we’ve studied the best methods, including Gladiator the movie, Man vs Food and Jackass. I think this proves we’ve learnt from the very best.”



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