Newcastle United’s quest for world domination starts here and Paddy Power News has been given access to a leaked document which outlines the Toon’s new owners’ transfer policy for 2022.
Having written a blank cheque to get Steve Bruce and his cabbages out of St James Park, Magpies fans might be dreaming of imminent arrivals for Messrs Mbappe, Haaland and Messi.
All we can say is please, look away now…
First up is the man who once left Liverpool for Barcelona for £120M and who has spent the last three years mainly staring at hospital walls, Brazilian midfielder Philippe Coutinho.
The player whose total transfer fees to date would pay off the national debt of Lichtenstein is rumoured to be Newcastle’s primary target. Our sources in the North-East however, believe that the player’s agent wants to insert some bizarre clauses in any possible deal, such as an electric blanket to put over his client when he inevitably finds the going getting too tough, reverting to his favourite position on the left-hand side of the sub’s bench.
Brazil’s Phil may have to fight over the blanket if another of the Toon’s top transfer targets, Manchester United frontman Anthony Martial, arrives from Old Trafford. Newcastle fans have never forgiven the Red Devils for nicking Andy Cole all those years ago and they’ve waited a long time to get their revenge.
“Laughing Tone” as he’s understood to be known as in the United dressing-room, is a rarely seen species these days at the Theatre of Dreams, so much so, that if you add up all his goals over the last 18 months, it roughly works out at around £200K -per- strike.
Value for money indeed.
When Colombian madman Tino Asprilla arrived at a snowy Tyneside in early 1996, and whose inclusion in Kevin Keegan’s starting XI was the main reason the Magpies threw away the league title to Manchester United? Well, it seems as though the saying “Once bitten, twice shy” is rarely used around St James’ Park with James Rodriguez also believed to be high up on the wanted list.
Having failed spectacularly at Everton, the 30-year-old is now trying to rebuild his career whilst swelling his bank account out in Qatar at Al-Rayyan FC. The man who forged an entire career out of one good game at the 2014 World Cup, will surely resurface in Europe before too long and it’s believed that should he decide to do just that, then Newcastle would welcome him back to the Premier League with open arms (and an open cheque book).
You have to give props to any player who decides to try to kick-start his career by leaving a top European side like Bayern Munich and head to South Wales to join Swansea City, but Portuguese midfielder Renato Sanchez did just that, unfortunately to little effect.
Five years earlier he’d been tipped as his country’s new Ronaldo and although he’s still only 24, his best days seem way behind him to the extent that he’s now more commonly referred to as, “The new Bebe”. As he looks to get back on track at French side Lille, the Toon are understood (for reasons unknown) to be keeping a close eye on his progress.
Defensively, Newcastle look an absolute shambles and whoever replaces Steve Bruce at the helm will need to tighten things up at the back. The Toon need a player who can combine both ability and brutality to maximum effect and as we understand it, Portuguese legend Pepe ticks all their boxes.
He also of course, ticks a lot of boxes on a UEFA disciplinary charge sheet, but you have to take the rough with the smooth. Despite being in his early 50’s now, surely its better to get 10 decent games out of him per season and still finish in the bottom half, than have to suffer Fabian Schar for an entire campaign.
The Geordie fans have always loved a decent number nine and a little look further down their list of transfer targets would ensure they’d get two for the price of one in the shape of Italian striker “Super” Mario Balotelli, whose shirt number is 99 and who is currently ripping it up in the Turkish Super-League with the mighty Adana Demirspor.
Last time he played in the Premier League, the only thing Mario ripped up was his hotel room before setting fire to it in a bizarre firework accident. His old mucker at Man City, Roberto Mancini, has been so impressed with his recent on-field achievements however, that he’s even been making noises about his possible return to the national team at the ripe old age of 31.
If “Super Mario” ever touches down on Tyneside then the award for Newcastle United’s craziest ever player will be changing hands.
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