Tottenham Hotspur striker Harry Kane is reported to have left the club disguised as Miami Dolphins kicker Ray Finkle, Paddy Power News understands.
The England captain has been angling for a move away from the North London club since Daniel Levy told him “verbal contract’s not worth the paper it’s written on, mate” last summer, and has now finally engineered it with a fake moustache and bouffant hairdo.
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“It was a genius idea”, a source close to the goalscorer explained as it emerged that Tottenham have already enlisted the services of an extrovert detective in the Miami area who wears Hawaiian shirts and eats bat sh*t to track down the striker.
Having been foiled in his efforts to play in front of the tens and tens of fans for Pep Guardiola at Manchester City this summer, the 29-year-old is now set for a new life in South Florida having slid away on Monday morning with the Miami Dolphins, who played at the Tottenham Stadium this weekend.
“Ace Ventura’s one of his favourite movies – and with the Dolphins in town, it was a chance to slip away without Daniel Levy or Nuno noticing.”
“Though he did almost give the game away on Friday at the training ground when he scrawled ‘LACES OUT’ all over his locker in the changing room.”
A witness described how Kane told his teammates he’d “catch up with them getting off the team coach back from Newcastle, then ducked behind a seat and stepped off five minutes later looking like a Tom Selleck impersonator”.
“Football’s football, wherever you play,” his agent and brother explained in the aftermath of the stunning departure.
“I’ve advised Harry all the way through this – ‘sign that six-year contract’, ‘of course Daniel Levy will let you go to City if there’s a bid’, ‘you deserve that extra week in the Canaries’ – and naturally I went out and got the fake tache and wig as soon as I thought of this,” he said.
When asked of Kane’s plans now, he explained how, “Phil Neville’s a top coach over in Miami, David Beckham knows all the best places to get your back, sack and crack waxed – if Hazza has to play six months in the MLS, so be it,” before it was pointed out that he’d signed for an American Football team instead.
“Well, football is a universal language anyway. I’ve seen Ted Lasso – English, American, it all works out fine in the end, doesn’t it?” he said as he returned to reading “The Idiot’s Guide to Being a Football Agent” upside-down.
ARLINGTON, TEXAS – SEPTEMBER 22: Preston Williams #18 of the Miami Dolphins runs the ball against Anthony Brown #30 and Jourdan Lewis #27 of the Dallas Cowboys at AT&T Stadium on September 22, 2019 in Arlington, Texas. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Meanwhile at the Tottenham Stadium, there is widespread disbelief among staff and supporters at the latest turn of events.
“It’s the lack of loyalty that sickens me,” said Gerry Hazard, 63, a life-long Spurs fan.
“When you come through at Spurs it’s bred into you that you’ll win f**k all.
“It’s as if the Tottenham way means nothing!”
And there is deep sadness among his former Spurs teammates, with Son-Heung Min reported to have said, “I’m gutted – I should’ve thought of that”.
And the club released a statement expressing its shock at the move.
“We were very disappointed to learn of Harry Kane’s secretive departure.
“This club has done everything it could to realise the ambition of a Europa League place and a run to the League Cup final in recent years.”
“He could’ve at least stuck around for the Conference League Quarter Final Commemorative DVD – due out in March next year, don’t miss it!” it read.
Though they are chasing a few leads in an effort to bring him back to the club already.
“Let’s just say our operatives in South Florida are on the lookout for a female police chief with a cockney accent,” a club source revealed.
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