Celtic game on Tuesday afternoon to put anyone off watching

Now it makes sense

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Celtic have moved their Europa League group stage match versus Ferencvaros to 3:30pm on Tuesday afternoon in the hope they can minimise the number of people who’ll see another European drubbing, Paddy Power News can confirm.

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The Glasgow giants have endured a turbulent start to the season under new manager Ange Postecoglou, a sequence of games that includes throwing away a 2-0 lead against Real Betis to lose 4-3 and being pummelled harder than Tyson Fury’s heavy bag by Bayer Leverkusen at Parkhead in the Europa League.

Following those results, they appealed to UEFA to move their tie with the Hungarian side to a time when absolutely no one will know there’s a game on.

Authorities were initially sceptical, but the club argued it was in everyone’s best interests that Chris Sutton’s commentary reach as few people as possible, they immediately signed off on the proposal.

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“It’s in everyone’s best interests” a source within club explained. “It’s not doing the players any good to being pumped like a slow-leaking tyre in front of fans in the stands and on the telly.”

“Joe Hart’s nearly pulled half his hair out in a few weeks since he joined he’s under such strain – and he’s got the lucrative Head’n’Shoulders contract to think about…

“The gaffer retreats into his office to watch old Home and Away episodes and living on vegemite sandwiches and boiled wallaby gonads after losing these big games.”

“Anything that takes the pressure off helps.”

And if this move is successful, there are plans to move all their fixtures to kick-off times when as few people as possible will get to see them f**k things up.

“7:35 on a Saturday morning away at St Mirren could be a runner” we were told by those with knowledge of the situation. “Especially with our growing Australian fanbase, the Celterallawallawalladongs as they call themselves.”

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“They love ‘the footy’ over there, and especially Celtic, as Aussie Rules football actually rewards players for missing the goal – everyone thinks this lot are like Brazil 1970!”

“And the first touch of some of the squad makes it look like they’re playing with an oval ball, so you can understand the confusion.”

Though the focus is on preventing as many people as possible, wherever they are, from watching games in the long-run.

“We reckon we can whittle the audience down to one man and his dog if we want. The players’ confidence will be through the roof!”

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