Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has said he’s confident all the bullsh*t excuses he’s been working on recently will make the difference against Everton on Saturday.
Speaking at his pre-match press conference, the Old Trafford chief was in a forthright mood that, whatever the result on the pitch, he’d find some way of pawning the blame off on someone else ahead of the Toffees’ visit.
“We’ve been working so hard this week in training,” he said. “You can really see the lads’ desire to think of any old sh*te for me to say when things go badly.”
“Mike [Phelan] got all the classics covered – ‘the ref’s blind’, ‘the VAR must be drunk’, ‘Klopp’s hypnotised the officials’.”
“But we’ve had some really creative ideas too – the noodle partners could give us a few more quid according to Ed [Woodward] for starters, and Paul [Pogba] suggested we blame the hairdresser if things go badly.”
“Luke [Shaw] just said ‘blame Jose. For everything.'”
And club-legend-turned-mediocre-manager says he’s already ahead of the game in this week’s efforts to explain away the inexplicably poor performances of such an expensively assembled team.
“TV, innit?” he said with a shrug. “These TV companies come in here, paying us billions, and they expect to be able to broadcast any old game they like. Unbelievable.”
Shaking his head he continued: “How do they expect Paul to have gotten over his jog to the showers on Wednesday night having stood around for 2 hours watching Villarreal knock it about?”
“Or Diogo [Dalot] to have untangled his legs from the job some lad from Bournemouth did on him in time for a 12:30 Saturday kick-off?”
“It’s ridiculous, but what are you going to do?” he tried to fume, while appearing to mutter “That’s my a*se safe for another week” to United’s press officer.
The United gaffer wasn’t impressed by one squad member’s efforts to make up for the Norwegian’s obvious deficiencies.
“Danny [van de Beek] flung the cup of tea I’d asked him to make and refused to shampoo my Shitzu’s coat before saying I should blame myself.”
“I just handed him a signed DVD of ‘That Night in Barcelona’ and asked him to water all my plants before he leaves. Do that and I might give him a run in the under-23s.”
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