A Man United fan is prepared to click through “thousands of pop-up ads” to watch pixelated, buffering footage of Cristiano Ronaldo’s first game back at Old Trafford, Paddy Power News understands.
Mickey Albiston, 37, from Dudley in the West Midlands, has been supporting the Manchester club ever since Blackburn went to sh*te and is prepared to spend all of Saturday morning ignoring Russian brides’ chat requests and the most addictive dating simulator advertisements to see the returning Red Devils hero make his bow against Newcastle at 3pm on Saturday.
Due to a long-held British superstition that broadcasting games on TV between the hours of 2:45pm and 5:15pm on Saturday will cause widespread delirium among the general populace, the Portuguese superstar’s return to the Premier League will be harder to watch than your da’s dodgy old VHS tapes. You know the ones…
But that’s not put off the more enterprising members of United’s UK-wide fanbase, who are set to go all the way to page 2 – or even 3 – of the Google results for “live football streams” in their efforts to find stuttering footage with a 7-minute delay and commentary in Arabic of the second coming of their goal-scoring messiah.
“It’s unbelievable you can’t watch United on a Saturday at 3pm on the telly – is this North Korea?!” Albiston whinged to no one in particular as he began the long journey of clicking through link after link after link that opens a new tab where you have to wait for the real X to appear to close the fake X on the ad for that only leads you to another tab.
Ironically, for the low, low price of just NKW13.99 (North Korean Won) per month, even those living under the yoke of Kim Jong-un’s totalitarian nightmare state can watch Ronaldo’s return on the telly.
Meanwhile, UK-based fans like Mickey contend with the seventh circle of hell otherwise known as the loop between finding a stream that actually works and it freezing as soon as you sit down to actually watch the f**king game. You then have to run the gauntlet of Cialis ads and “once in a lifetime” opportunities to have your bank account inspected by a member of a royal family from a country you’ve never heard of all over again.
But some are willing to see it through all the same.
“I’m prepared to stick at it as long as it takes,” said Mickey as he ignored the approach of yet another hot single in his area while trying to find a functioning feed of BEIN Sports 1 HD.
“I’ll even put up with Keys and Gray at half-time” he confirmed, though whether the United fanatic is prepared to listen to Ray Hudson sh*te on like a pound-shop Sid Waddell for two hours remains to be seen.
However, he remains upbeat about the task ahead.
“Look, like winning the Premier League, finding a working stream to watch a game at 3pm on a Saturday is a marathon, not a sprint.
“If United go three games without a win am I going to be reaching for the green and gold scarf and calling for #OleOut?
“Well, yeah, probably.”
“But I know that’s the wrong thing to do. Just like streaming games of dodgy websites that can probably steal your bank details, identity, and soul if you click the wrong link.”
At which point he trailed off, choosing instead to send a smiley face to Svetlana (21) while trying to fend off a dwarf attack on his fortress in Clash of Tribes.
Meanwhile, United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has been given a selection headache ahead of the game because of Jesse Lingard’s stellar performance for England against Andorra.
“We want to give young players opportunities here, it’s the United way,” he said. “Obviously with Cristiano here now they’re going to be more limited, but I can’t ignore it when he puts in a performance like that.”
When pushed on how he’d see resolve this selection dilemma he said: “Donny [van be Beek]’s spot on the bench is definitely under threat. But he’s got his bus driver licence sorted, so he won’t be completely useless this season.”
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