Werner visits farm, tries to hit cow’s backside with banjo ​

Putting his summer holidays to good use


Chelsea misfit Timo Werner has been spotted on a farm in Germany attempting to hit a very large cow on the backside with a banjo.

The German forward, who has developed a reputation for his inability to hit the target from even the shortest distance, is understood to have been sent to live with livestock for the summer by Chelsea boss, Thomas Tuchel, as a last-ditch attempt to get him firing ahead of the new Premier League campaign.

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“As a treat for winning the Champions League, I took the boys scuba diving and Timo was the only player who fell forwards onto the deck of the boat instead of backwards into the sea, injuring himself and causing thousands of pounds worth of damage in the process.

“None of the lads like to go to the toilet after Timo as there’s always splashes all over the seat and the floor.

“We even had to cancel a team bonding day where we were to go rifle shooting. God knows how that could have ended.”

“He has a lot of work to do this pre-season and needs to improve, otherwise I’m going to sell him to Arsenal” confirmed Tuchel.


Paddy Power News contacted the owner of the farm, Hans Werner, Timo’s uncle, to find out how the training is going and if Timo does have a future at the European champions.

“Hmm, it’s not going great, Timo was unable to make any real connection in the first week and kept finding himself on the floor” confirmed Hans.

“In recent days we’ve seen him rattle a farm gate, a tractor, the backside of his aunty Ursula, the cow’s leg and the cow’s belly, so we do feel he is getting closer. I think if he finds that cow’s backside with the banjo just once, he will then have the confidence to do it again and again.”

Thomas Tuchel

Rumours currently circulating in the media suggests if Werner was to move on, Chelsea would look to bring back former favourite Eden Hazard as a replacement.

The Belgium captain who left Chelsea for Real Madrid in 2019 is said to be “open to a return” having only played a total of 3 minutes of football at the Santiago Bernabeu.

Hazard could have his work cut-out if he is to make it back into the Chelsea side, as he currently sits at 150lbs heavier than when he left.


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