Value of Maguire’s head soars past gold as England progress ​

Worth its weight in, well, gold

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An overnight Net Asset Value Analysis has concluded that Harry Maguire’s head is now the most valuable commodity on the planet, overtaking gold, oil, Bitcoin and user data.

The 26-page report, which was released hours after England qualified for their first major final in 55 years, has confirmed the role Maguire has played in his country’s success is the primary reason his head has soared in value, sparking praise from the football world and major interest from investors in New York, Shanghai and Sydney.

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“That boy has a perfect head which will continue to get bigger and stronger over time, so I want to invest billions into it,” said one New York trader.

And Paddy Power News gained exclusive access to the England centre-half ahead of training this morning where he spoke to us about his head.

“To be honest, once, when I was a kid, I was on a school camping trip and we got attacked by a grizzly bear. Everybody was screaming, so I just headbutted it and knocked it square out.”

“From that moment I sort of knew there was something special about my head,” he told us.

“My mates used to dare me to headbutt stuff for fun.

“I’ve knocked down a building, de-railed a train and literally taken the Goodyear blimp out of the sky, so winning a few headers against the Danish was no problem for me. Roll on Sunday.”

Ahead of the much-anticipated final this weekend, Maguire was asked if there would be any special plans to deal with the best Italian side seen in a decade.

“Tactically no, we haven’t put anything in place – but the boss has warned us to stay focussed and not do anything stupid.

“For example, Kalvin had a Calzone for lunch and Gareth f*cking lost it, calling him a traitor, referring to him as Kalvino Phillipizato for the rest of the day.

“Spaghetti, pizza and exaggerated, dramatic hand gestures are all off-limits this week, so we will be sticking to fish and chips.”

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