Kasper Schmeichel to assume new identity after England win ​

England are through to the final! It really could be coming home, Kasper


Kasper Schmeichel is planning a new life away from football following England’s 2-1 extra-time victory in the European Championship semi-final.

The Danish keeper deleted all social media accounts and donned a fake moustache and glasses as he was bundled into the back of an SUV and spirited away from Wembley following the game on Wednesday night to avoid the endless stream of banter that’s coming his way.

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The 34-year-old drew the attention of England supporters and press as he queried whether football had ever been “home” at all, a rhetorical flourish that sent your da’s blood pressure soaring higher than a Chris Waddle penalty in a World Cup semi-final shoot-out.

And now, with his Danish side having failed to back up his mildly challenging reply, the Danish international is set to rescind his previous identity and abandon his previous life as a top-level footballer.


“Kasper knew it was a high-stakes game to suggest that football may not be coming home,” a source close to the Danish camp said in the aftermath of the semi-final.

“The result didn’t go his way. Now he’s got to pick up the pieces.”

The Danish FA have already been in contact with law enforcement professionals across the world versed in witness relocation procedures in an effort to facilitate Schmeichel’s disappearance from the world of football and avoidance of the endless ribbing that’s coming his way.

“Various options are open –  the jungles of South and Central America offer blissful isolation and almost total disconnection from the outside world,” an informed source told us.

“And we’re very excited by the possibilities offered by billionaires developing their own space programs – who wouldn’t want to be shot into space by Richard Branson or Elon Musk to likely never return?”

Though those close to the Leicester City man are said to believe he would rather remain in the UK if possible.

“Sheep-shearing in the Outer Hebrides could provide the kind of isolation demanded to escape the nuclear mega-ton wave of stick he’s going to get.” they continued.

“This is not the only option, however – Schmeichel could take up the role of a prominent canine on Coronation Street, albeit after extensive plastic surgery.

“And if he goes down that route, there’s a possible Scooby-Doo live-action movie, Lurpak ad voiceovers, and bit-parts in Scandi-noir shows on BBC4 for the next 20 years. to look forward to.”

As the Dane decides his future, England prepare to face Italy in Sunday’s final with Gareth Southgate set to make a surprise selection that’s sure to bamboozle opposing manager Roberto Mancini.

“All the talk about Mancini’s suit – wait til he sees Gareth’s waistcoat. He won’t know what hit him,” an FA source said on condition of anonymity.


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