Bank of England to issue Harry Maguire-shaped 50p piece if England win Euro 2020

The perfect memento

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With Euro 2020 fever sweeping across England after the national side’s 4-0 triumph over Ukraine on Saturday night, rumours suggest a victory in the tournament could be commemorated with a special edition of the 50p piece issued featuring Harry Maguire.

The England centre-half powered home his side’s second goal in their quarter-final victory with his titanic cranium and chiefs at the Royal Mint took notice – they couldn’t miss it really, his head is f**king massive.

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Now, plans are afoot to produce a limited edition of 2,021 50p pieces featuring the rugged defender’s stern face and angular, weighty skull.

“We see him as a natural fit for the 50p”, a source within the institution’s hierarchy revealed this morning.

“Obviously it’s a massive coin, and it’s got all these weird angles and edges, just like Harry’s head. Though we’ll need to make it about five times the normal weight of a 50p piece to match the scale.” they continued.

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And such was the force of Maguire’s humongous bonce smashing home that header that the International Institute for Seismic Activity was forced to issue a statement denying that an earthquake had struck Rome during the game.

“Our seismographs recorded tremors around 9:03pm last night, and there were multiple reports of buildings shaking in the aftermath,” Dr Rocco Diroma said following reports of unusual activity in the aftermath of Maguire’s goal.

“At first we thought the activity might be Vesuvius reawakening, but now conclude it was the force of Maguire’s header vibrating through the earth, combined with the collective relaxing of puckered English bumholes among the crowd in Rome as they realised England were going to the semis.”

The result sees England just two games away from a first international football title for 55 years, hence the collective buttock unclenching.

They now face Denmark next, who may seek to call on the services of Nicklas Bendtner ahead of the clash.

“Obviously, we’ve got this far, but to get past a team as talented as England we need to believe that anything is possible,” a member of the Danes coaching staff said.

“What greater inspiration than Nicklas who played for so many big clubs, and Arsenal, despite having the first touch of a sofa,” they said.

The sides will meet on Wednesday evening at Wembley, with rumours circulating that both sides will agree to dispense with the game and go straight to penalties.

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