A local snake has hit out after being compared to Manchester United executive Ed Woodward.
The Manchester-based serpent claimed to be ‘hurt and dismayed’ following comments by UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin who accused Woodward of behaving like ‘a snake’ for his involvement in a proposed European Super League.
‘I can’t believe I’ve been compared to a slimy venomous beast like that’, said the snake.
‘Ceferin’s words are an insult to all the decent hardworking snakes in this country.
‘I’m calling on all my fellow snakes to mobilise and slither on UEFA headquarters to demand a full apology’, it hissed.
The 11-year-old royal python cited Woodward’s role in a plot among Europe’s major clubs to break away from UEFA’s Champions League as the main reason why snakes would be offended by the comparison.
‘Ed’s spent £1 billion to assemble a team that can’t beat Sheffield United at home but somehow thinks United will win a league containing the likes of Real, Barca and City’.
‘United haven’t won the league in 8 years, Arsenal haven’t won it in 17 years, Liverpool have won it once in the last 31 years and Spurs haven’t won it in 60 years.
‘The only thing super about this league is their ability to convince everybody they’re still big clubs’.
Meanwhile, leaked documents suggest new rules for the Super League will include: £5 billion defeat bonuses; massively increased dividends for leeching owners and absolutely no VAR reviews of the club’s financial dealings.
Paddy Power News also understands invitations have been sent to numerous other clubs as the founder members look to fill the remaining 8 available slots in the league.
Teams invited are believed to include the prison guard’s XI from Mean Machine, Piers Morgan’s Soccer Aid team and the Monstars from Space Jam.
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