Expectations are mounting on Tyneside of a change in ownership at Newcastle United after a local man found £400m wedged down the back of his settee.
Duncan Beresford, 51, from South Shields made the stunning discovery on Thursday evening after taking encouragement from pundit Rio Ferdinand to put together a takeover bid for his beloved club.
“I cannae believe it, man!” the stunned delivery driver said when interviewed after the discovery.
“I was pure fuming when I heard Rio say yesterday that us fans were a bunch of whingers and we should put our money where our mouths are -and then I thought, ‘he’s bloody right’.
“I found about ten quid in coins in the cupholder in the van for the parking meter, then I turned the spare room upside-down looking for the savings accounts I opened when the kids were born.
“And then I thought, ‘I’ll bet there’s close to half a billion bob stuck in the three-piece suite.’ And sure enough, when we added it all up we had over £400m quid!”
The lifelong Magpies fan has already reached out to club owner Mike Ashley, via @HelpSportsDirect on Twitter, with an opening bid on the club.
“I said I’d pay £200m upfront and if he could drop by a Newcastle 2021 calendar, Karrimor raincoat and a few tubes of Dunlop tennis balls when the time suits we’d have a deal,” he said.
And Mr Beresford has plans for the remaining cash.
“I’ve to pay-off Steve Bruce in cabbages for starters,” he explained.
“Then I’ve to bring back Rafa and give him a transfer kitty to re-sign Kenedy.”
“With the rest, I plan to set-up a discount sportswear website and offer Rio Ferdinand a chance to sell his clobber on it.
“Maybe he’ll shut up about us then.”
As of yet, Mr Beresford has not received a response from Mr Ashley or the Sports Direct helpdesk.
- Revealed: Blatter wanted 2026 World Cup staged in Antarctica
- Man United keen on Suez canal container ship as new partner for Maguire
- Revealed: Lazio fans plan to rig I’m a Celeb Italy win for Gazza
- Big Sam bakes Kevin Nolan-shaped banana bread to mark year of lockdown
- New to Paddy? Click here for our £/€10 sign up offer