Manchester United have hired the services of an LA-based sports marketing group Scheisseman to put together a brochure in order to help flog five players in January.
The Red Devils followed the example of club legend Michael Owen whose own 32-page presentation earned him a move to Old Trafford in 2009.
United boss Sir Alex Ferguson, who’d never heard of Owen before, was so bowled over by the glossy dossier on the striker that he immediately offered him a 2-year-deal.
Having failed to offload players such as Jesse Lingard and Phil Jones during previous transfer windows, United have taken the drastic step of compiling a brochure in order to find them new clubs.
And we’ve got a sneak peek at what’s on offer.
Are you ready to be dazzled, Moyesey?
Introduction to Jesse Lingard
At 28-years-old, Jesse Lingard is regarded as one of the hottest prospects in world football right now. The winger’s 4,000 Instagram posts this season broke a club record which was previously held by Paul Pogba. Jesse will be shortly out of contract and may consider a challenge away from Old Trafford, such as the Isthmian League Division One North.
- After Kerry Katona, Lingard is the second best known social media user from Warrington
- Were it not for a thigh strain sustained in training last month, Jesse would be spoken about in the same breath as Messi and Ronaldo
- Jesse Lingard’s goal celebrations were voted the most irritating in European football by a panel of experts from France Football
Jesse Lingard – Brand Values
Most professional sportspeople concentrate on sport. However, Jesse Lingard sees football as distraction from acting a tit off the pitch.
- Does silly hand gestures
- Wears fake glasses
He is the ultra-unprofessional, a great presence on the substitutes bench and a true ambassador for TikTok.
Introduction to Phil Jones
Since signing for United back in 2011, Phil has been a stalwart in the heart of the club’s treatment room. Renowned for his consistency in picking up long-term injuries, Jones averages around three appearances per season. Sir Alex Ferguson once claimed that Jones could go onto become the greatest player in United’s history, shortly before he was whisked away to be drugs tested.
Medical Overview by Dr Nick Riviera
Phil has developed, very unfairly in my professional opinion, a reputation as being injury-prone. When Phil first visited me with a shoulder injury in 2014, he was floundering as a first choice centre-half for club and country. But after following a tailor-made rehabilitation programme designed by yours truly, Phil has become a mainstay in Manchester United’s 3rd round Carabao and FA Cup squads.
Tabloid Stories (and the Truth!!!)
- “Phil Jones pulled both his hamstrings at once after sneezing”
Don’t believe that for a moment! He only tore one hamstring and felt a slight twinge in the other.
In these difficult economic times, Phil Jones could be a welcome addition to your treatment table for as little as 50 grand per week.
An introduction to Sergio Romero
Life is all about fine margins. But for a shite fax machine at Old Trafford, Sergio Romero would have been United’s 1st choice goalkeeper for the past 5 & ½ years. Unfortunately, he will go down in history as probably the best back-up goalkeeper in world football. The loyal servant was denied a deadline day move in August because our beloved Mr Woodward wanted a fee for a second choice goalkeeper they signed on a free transfer back in 2015.
- Sergio Romero is widely regarded as the second-choice goalkeeper most likely to stir up homoerotic feelings in Manchester United supporters since Raimond van der Gouw.
- Were it not for Louis van Gaal ‘accidentally’ spilling a full stein of Heineken over a fax machine at Old Trafford on transfer deadline day in 2015, a statue of Romero might have been erected outside Old Trafford by now.
- Did we mention he’s a beautiful man?
Even though selling Sergio to a rival club in the Premier League would be a disastrous move, Mr Woodward is prepared to strengthen one of our competitors for a million quid or so.
An introduction to Daniel James
He might look like Tom Daley and dive like him too but there’s more to Dan James than somersaulting in the penalty area. The winger signed for Manchester United last season from Swansea and made an immediate impact scoring three goals in his first four games. Since then he’s been shite. Really, really quick. But shite.
- Daniel has been voted the Welshman Manchester United fans would most trust to take their mam on a date, ahead of Ryan Giggs and Clayton Blackmore
- Were it not for the emergence of Mason Greenwood last season, many experts believe James would’ve won the Ballon d’Or
- Daniel’s footballing heroes include Jurgen Klinsmann and Ashley Young.
Daniel’s future has been up in the air more often than he is when tackled in the box and he’d be a welcome addition to any mid-table side with £20 million to waste.
An introduction to Marcos Rojo
Marcos Rojo was signed by Louis van Gaal in August 2014 to provide some competition for United’s then impregnable back line of Phil Jones, Chris Smalling and Tyler Blackett. Since then the Argentinian has forged a formidable partnership with Phil Jones in United’s medical facilities. A proponent of the two-footed lunge, if ever fit, Marcos will most likely be suspended anyway.
- Marcos follows in the footsteps of other Argentinian shit-houses to play for the club, alongside Angel Di Maria, Gabby Heinze and Carlos Tevez
- Were it not for an unlucky run of injuries, experts believe Rojo may have received more red cards than Eric Cantona and Roy Keane combined
- Marcos was initially denied a work permit because of unfounded claims in Argentina, where he was alleged to have knocked the shite out of his next-door neighbour
With his contract due to expire in June 2021, Marcos will be soon become a free agent. But why deprive yourself of 6 full months’ worth of suspensions and medical bills when you could snare this World Cup finalist for a few hundred thousand?
- Chelsea and Man City to cut loose in our 8/1 FA Cup Treble
- Revealed: Frank’s 4-point plan to save his job at Chelsea
- Transfer odds: Paddy’s traders price up who could be on the move in January window
- Premier League sack race odds: Latest as Roy Hodgson heads managerial exit market
- Last-minute Luis Suarez strike sees Welsh punter net £29k off a £5 stake