Zlatan Ibrahimovic shows no signs of slowing down even at the ripe old age of 39. The incomparable Swedish striker has started the current Italian season on the crest of a wave and is ripping it up week after week as his AC Milan side tries to prove it can be a real title contender this term.
You don’t need me to tell you that the man from Malmo has an ego the size of Western Europe, and following events that have happened this week that looks unlikely to diminish anytime soon.
The Bionic Man “Zlatan-style”
Paddy Power can exclusively reveal that Ibrahimovic has been approached by billion-dollar streaming service Netflix to star in a remake of the 70’s cult TV series ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’. For those too young to remember, let’s bring you up to speed – The original character, Steve Austin, played by Hollywood superstar Lee Majors, was an American Astronaut who was seriously injured in a NASA test-flight accident.
Austin is then rebuilt at a cost of six million dollars (the equivalent of Zlatan’s current monthly take home pay) with his right arm, both legs and left eye being replaced with bionic implants enabling him to run at speeds of up to 60MPH, have the vision of a 20:1 zoom lens (no idea) with infrared capabilities (still no idea), while having bionic limbs with the equivalent power of a bulldozer. All this upheaval, which must have cost (excuse the pun) an arm and a leg if US healthcare charges are anything to go by, eventually gets him a job as a secret agent which to be honest, I’d be disappointed with having been under the knife for about six months.
Zlatan doesn’t do auditions
When approached about the new role Ibrahimovic was reported to have replied that he “already had the same attributes as Austin,” before the new show’s producers explained to the former Swedish international, that it was only fiction and just like Majors 47 years earlier, he wouldn’t actually have to have any bionic implants fitted to play the character. Having spent time playing in the MLS for the Los Angeles Galaxy, Zlatan got himself used to living the life of a Hollywood A-lister with his agent Mino Raiola maintaining that his client had never ruled out an acting career, claiming he would: “Make a better fist of it than Eric Cantona.”
There were also rumours that Zlatan had been spending more and more time with Mr Terminator himself Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was keen to try to give him a helping hand in carving out a career in the movies when he finally hangs up his boots. Sources close to Ibrahimovic however told us that he refused to waste time learning lines stating that; “Zlatan does not do auditions and doesn’t do scripts.”
Another deal breaker for Ibra is that he’s allowed to do all his own stunts on the show, so if that means being catapulted into the air to replicate a 60-foot jump or a demonstration of super-human strength by holding up a steamroller with one hand then so be it. AC Milan declined to comment at the time of going to press.
I can’t help but laugh at how perfect I am
When the original series aired around 1973, such was its popularity that toy makers Denys Fisher decided to bring out a Steve Austin doll complete with bionic implants, retractable limbs and a bionic eye which you could look through, but basically made it look as though he had a detached retina.
Ibrahimovic is understood to be keen to do the same and cash-in on his new found fame, although he has told close friends that he refuses to have the dodgy eye, demands the doll only be kitted out only in a Nike branded tracksuit and wants the manufacturers to replicate his body art so he; “even looks six million dollars in the buff.” Yikes!!!
I haven’t met her yet. But when I do, I’ll date her
After the original series had established itself, the producers decided that it was time for Austin to find a girlfriend so to even things up, they decided to do a spin-off series called, and you’ve guessed it, The Bionic Woman. It would have been impossible for Austin to have had a steady relationship with an ordinary woman as she would almost certainly have been hospitalised after a night under the duvet with our intrepid hero.
Step forward then Lindsay Wagner, who played the character of Jamie Sommers and had almost the same attributes as her boyfriend, although she had a bionic ear rather than a bionic eye. Early reports suggest that in the Netflix remake, Zlatan is not keen to have anyone stealing his thunder and is even understood to be even ready to bring the character right into line with 21st Century living, by making the new Steve Austin appeal to the LGBTQ community. AC Milan declined to comment at the time of going to press.
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