Manchester United have finally addressed some of the concerns of their fans by making a move that should see Old Trafford’s defences shored up for years to come.
Reports suggest Executive Vice Chairman Ed Woodward was in the Wythenshawe branch of B&Q this morning stocking up on Ronseal 10-Year Weatherproof paint to give the ground a much-needed facelift and protection against the elements for a decade or more.
“We’ve been getting plenty of stick for the state of the ground,” the United supremo was overheard saying to the sales assistant as they loaded the eight buckets of gloss into the back of his car, “but two-for-one is unbelievable value, even if it’s sky blue.”
“It’ll be dry in an hour – quicker than a Harry Maguire turn, and by the time we need to replace this, Phil Jones will be a due a second testimonial. Fantastic.”
The former banker is said to believe eight buckets should be enough to cover all the brickwork around Old Trafford, with the Glazers said to be keen to reduce waste at the club after the Alexis Sanchez fiasco.
“Joel will be checking the receipts – Someone added an extra zero on Alexis’ wages in the rush to get that done, so now [the Glazers] are checking everything,” Woodward confided to a source as he pulled on a pair of overalls and began coating the old ground.
Following the purchase of Donny van de Beek from Ajax, the Ronseal move brings United’s total spend for this transfer window to £35,000,137.96.
When asked if he didn’t have better thing to do on transfer deadline day than painting the stadium, Woodward reportedly said, “It’s transfer deadline day?!” before dropping his phone in the open bucket.
“Oh well, Cavani it is then,” he mumbled as he fished the dripping mobile from the tub. “He can play centre-half, right?”
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