Levy plans to put Spurs in straight-jackets to avoid handball repeat

Bit of an overreaction there, Dave?

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Paddy Power understands that Spurs supremo Daniel Levy is leading the call of Premier League clubs to address the current situation surrounding the new handball rule.

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Following his side’s 1-1 draw with Newcastle United last weekend in which the Magpies were awarded a controversial penalty in the dying seconds thanks to a dubious handball decision against Eric Dier, Levy along with his frustrated manager Jose Mourinho, is believed to have submitted a ludicrous five-point plan to the other 19 top-flight clubs to try to eradicate any need for the handball rule to be part of professional football anymore.

MADRID, SPAIN – JUNE 01: Tottenham Hotspur fans display a banner prior to the UEFA Champions League Final between Tottenham Hotspur and Liverpool at Estadio Wanda Metropolitano on June 01, 2019 in Madrid, Spain. (Photo by David Ramos/Getty Images)

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THE STRAIGHT-JACKET

Point one of Levy’s bonkers blueprint is to make it compulsory for all players to wear straight-jackets and this would explain the bizarre reports that came out of the Tottenham training ground on Monday, where eyewitnesses claimed that at one stage during the workout Harry Kane resembled the great escapologist Harry Houdini as he “wriggled around in the penalty area”.

Levy, of course, is never one to miss out on an opportunity to make money and has even suggested that club megastores could start stocking replica jackets with fans’ favourites printed on the back. Opposing voices however are understood to have expressed concerns as to how fans will be able to get tanked up in the pubs beforehand wearing one of these.

VEST IS BEST

Next up we have Levy’s plan to flaunt the t-shirt line rule regarding handball by kitting his team out in a Cameroon style vest shirt.

A few years ago when the Indomitable Lions produced the sleeveless wonder many people expected it to catch on before the spoilsports at FIFA deemed it to be against rule 3.2.1.2.3.5.6.7 which states all football shirts must have sleeves on them.

Levy is ready to go to war with the world football’s governing body to get this ruling overturned and to stick two fingers up to PGMOL whilst at the same time asking the question; “Now where’s your fucking t-shirt line suckers?”.

It’s also believed that Levy would like to bring out two ranges of the shirt – the first one would be a match-worn style (price £200.00) which would be like a second skin whilst the second (a snip at 150 quid) would have a touch of the NBA’s about it which the patron expects to be very popular with the youth who like to go around acting like Straight Outta Compton wannabees.

IN THE ZONE

Fans of Subbuteo will be aware of the “shooting line” which players must cross before they are allowed to unleash a thunderbolt into the top corner (usually of the Welsh Dresser) and Levy has reportedly proposed the same line be installed on real pitches and calling it the “Handball Line”.

Once a player has passed this line he cannot be penalised for using his hand thus taking away any debate about whether it was deliberate handball or not.

Mourinho is thought to have a few doubts about this theory and is understood to be concerned that players will stand on the goal-line and try to help out their goalkeeper. Levy for his part, was overheard saying to the Portuguese tactician that he couldn’t understand why he; “Still had faith in those two useless f**kers we already have between the sticks”.

HANDBALL CHALLENGE

Levy has also inserted a contingency if he’s unable to get anyone at the Premier League to listen to any of the ideas above, by suggesting clubs be allowed have a challenge system similar to the one in tennis.

At the start of each half, both teams get two challenges that they can use if they feel a handball decision has been given in error in the penalty area. Just like on the centre-court at Wimbledon, the incident will then be replayed on the big screen with the crowd or in the current climate, fake crowd slow handclapping in that annoying way middle-class people do while thinking that they are being funny.

Then it’s over to Stockley Park for the final say so, but if the manager still believes that there has been an injustice, they will then get 10 mins (whilst the game continues) to put forward their case for the defence, which will then be reviewed by an impartial body back at Premier League HQ before a final decision is reached.

Concerns will obviously be raised if the final verdict takes so long that the final score will not come through until “Strictly” or “Britain’s Got Talent” has started which would cause havoc with peoples football coupons (ask your dad).

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