Pretty much every club’s released the latest shirts they cobbled together in Photoshop to extract £90 – extra for a name and number – from your pocket ahead of the new season.
READ MORE: Paddy’s Guide to the Biggest Games of the 2020/’21 Premier League Season
Most of the time, there’s next to no difference from last year’s outfit, and when there is, it’s usually bad – shout out to the lads at Adidas for Man United’s third kit this season, officially the worst idea for kit since Burnley got wrapped in tinfoil.
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So, Paddy started thinking clubs could draw on their traditions and history for inspiration rather than leaving it to some Nike no-mark 4,000 miles away – how many zebras do you ever see at Old Trafford anyway?
With that, we’re proud to release our Autumn/Winter collection for five of the most engageable football brands… I mean clubs, football clubs…
Newcastle United
Supporters of Newcastle, along with its citizenry as a whole, are famed for their indomitable spirit and stubborn resistance to the notion of cold. Historically, Magpies fans tend to favour what anthropologists denote as “a fabric-less upper half” while attending matches and, on a broader scale, just generally going about their day-to-day business.
The new kit aims to channel the power and unique essence of what club archivist Faustino Venison has described as an “innate and rapturous desire to uphold the bare torso heritage of the Toon”. An added benefit for players and fans alike is the sleeveless cut, which allows much greater freedom of movement when taking swings at equine members of the local constabulary.
Manchester United
The Red Devils’ sleek new design pays tribute to the glory years of Sir Alex Ferguson, when people from across London and the Southeast made the traditional pilgrimage up the M6 twice a season to the Theatre of Dreams to see their Class of ’92™ heroes in the flesh.
The synthetic material is almost 100% plastic, reflecting the spirit of the Megastore-crowding hoards who once rustled empty crisp packets in their thousands at the famous old ground, and is imbued with the nutty aroma of the stale pint of Boddingtons ale your uncle once sipped when visiting Macclesfield that allows you to justify supporting a team from 250 miles north of your Guildford home.
Wolverhampton Wanderers
This wonderful ensemble is derived from the traditional garb of Wolves’ local region – that local region being, of course, Portugal.
Traditional clothing from the western Iberian country is known for being bright and vivid in colour, with men opting for sombreros, leggings and waistcoats.
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The new Wolves kit will reflect these values and customs, with a classic Portuguese waistcoat enveloping the central attraction of the kit: a massive f**k-off Portugal flag. Shorts are discarded in favour of crotch-hugging black leggings, while sombreros are optional – but strongly encouraged for staff and substitutes not on the field of play.
Manchester City
This revolutionary design uses the latest in micro-fibre technology to literally bend space – making the shirt completely transparent and allowing the Citizens to slip between defensive lines unnoticed.
Inspired by the club’s non-existent trophy cabinet prior to their takeover by Sheikh Mansour in 2008, the transparent design is also intended to represent the Manchester City fans who fail to attend home games in their droves, leaving row upon row of seats empty and the ground looking as though it were full of invisible supporters.
But it also shows City looking to the future. As the club anticipates future Champions League knock-out stage collapses, those who do bother to attend the game won’t have to view Nicolas Otamendi or John Stones’ defensive efforts in their totality, while the cutting-edge look will also allow the players to slink off in shame to the dressing room at full-time without onlookers noticing.
Norwich City
Whether you’re divorced and have access to the kids (but they don’t want to see you), enjoying some classic intercourse or pitching some quality ideas – some funny, some tragic – to a television executive, it’s vital for you as a football fan to feel comfortable in your own skin.
And now, with Norwich’s brand-new mustard-coloured kit celebrating the pedestrianisation of the city centre, you’ll have comfort right by the jaffas. The faded yellowish hue recalls the city’s spicy condiment-laden past with the brickwork interweaving paying tribute to the car-free central zones.
The vibrant, canarylike saturation of the shirt stands tall in a divided modern world, saying no the haters and the debaters. Against the mockers and the doubters, needless to say you’ll have the last laugh, even in the Championship.
The Premier League is back next weekend – get the latest odds on PaddyPower.com