James Rodriguez is preparing to call time on his top-level career as he eyes a move to the Everton.
The 29-year-old has struggled to establish himself at Real Madrid since joining the club back in 2014, being farmed out to various European clubs in recent seasons, but with a move to the blue half of Merseyside on the cards it looks like his years of travelling are coming to a close.
Current warden of the Everton Retirement Community, Carlo Ancelotti – who kicked back with Rodriguez Real and Bayern Munich – has given him the call to come and put his feet up in the north-west of England.
Ancelotti is thought to have sold the Goodison Park Home to the Colombian, as it “oozes vintage, creaking, classical charm from the 19th century,” while Rodriguez was said to be taken by the “easy-going” pace of life at the club, and is also understood to be “very interested” in earning over £100,000-a-week to do f**k all.
“No pressure. No targets. No worries,” has been the Blues’ sales pitch in recent years, with the likes of Wayne Rooney, Theo Walcott and Morgan Schneiderlin having decided Goodison Park was the perfect place to see out their final days near the top of the game. Rodriguez has been “completely sold” on the tranquil vibes emitting from Everton, one source reports.
And such is the playmaker’s enthusiasm to wind-down his career he’s already requested the Portland Timbers Lodge 2023 brochure from Rooney, who eventually left Merseyside to head to the MLS “Gated Community and 24-Hour Self-Service Crematorium” across the pond.
Meanwhile, testimonials from previous residents are said to have blown the Colombian’s socks off as he contemplates the move.
Former alumni Tony Hibbert spent 26 years at the club achieving, well, nothing much. In a telegram sent to us from 1926 where the former Evertonian now resides, he said, “Dear sirs, I must heartily recommend the Goodison Park home as the perfect place to relax, unwind and while away the hours. Sure, the facilities may be in need of an upgrade, but if rustic charm is your thing, you’re in the right place.”
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And celebrity fan and inmate of the retirement home, Sly Stallone, 74, opened his eyes from an afternoon nap before mumbling: “It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can avoid any fight and how long you can keep your head down for; how much you can take without giving anything back. That’s how winning is done!”
This incoherent contribution looks to have sealed the deal for Rodriguez.