If you’ve been banged up in a Greek jail cell for the last few days you may have missed the news that Lionel Messi has requested that Barcelona let him walk off into the sunset..
And then sign for another super club for free so he can win loads of stuff, possibly bringing along all of his over-the-hill Barca mates with him.
His faxed request could lead to the most sensational swap since Marathon became Snickers..
It’s that big.
And Paddy Power News has seen footage of the reported meeting between the diminutive Argentine and Barcelona’s new boss, the scourge of early-nineties England teams, Ronald Koeman, which reveals just how his decision to move on was sealed.
In a meeting at the forward’s Barcelona home, recorded through the ingenuity fo the Spanish paparazzi, a heated confrontation between the two men unfolded last week…
Koeman: “Look Leo, it’s time to face facts. Luis, he is so past-it he’s almost lapping himself. I wouldn’t back him in a footrace with Jabba the Hutt.”
“And he doesn’t even have feet!”
Messi: “Wait, hang on, who are you again? Luis still has plenty to give Barcelona. Goals, assists, the occasionally well-timed assault, he can do it all.”
Koeman: “Maybe for Barcelona B. Griezmann’s on the bench and Luis has to oil up his knees every time he sprints…”
Messi: “Did the club send you over? Either way, Luis is great for morale.”
“He’s so slow and laboured it makes everyone else look like N’Golo Kante.”
“That really gives the boys a boost, especially when we’re getting trounced. He’s an integral part of my plans to revive the club.”
Koeman: “And then there’s Pique, Busquets and Jordi Alba…”
Koeman apparently told Messi that the "privileges were over." For Messi that was too much, leading to his decision to leave.
— AS English (@English_AS) August 25, 2020
Messi: ” Are you the new ‘coach’, yeah? Oh, very good. Yes, I was thinking of offering all of the lads new five-year contract extensions – can you handle that for me? Thanks.”
“You should really be writing this all down, shouldn’t you?”
Koeman: “And Vidal… He’s just not a Barcelona player….”
Messi: “We signed Kevin Prince-Boateng, mate…”
Koeman: “OK, fair point, but you’re missing the bigger picture here…”
Messi: “Look, the answer is simple. I was talking to Xavi, he’ll come back as player-coach, Puyol’s been talking to those doctors in Madrid, they’ll have him back at peak fitness in no time. Iniesta, David Villa, we’ll get them all back, I’m just trying to reach Victor Valdes – he’s lost in an estate in Middlesbrough, Martin Braithwaite’s giving him directions out…”
Koeman: “No, no, no! We need to change! That’s what I’m here for. I’m the manager now. The real manager…”
[stunned silence, Messi staggers reaching for the wall, missing it]
Koeman: “What is it, Leo? Do you need to sit down? Didn’t they tell you I was the new boss? They said you’d recommended me…”
[Messi collapses to the floor, sits up, his eyes glazed over in simmering rage]
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Messi: “You’re the manager? The real manager? Hahahaha… Koeman, the Barcelona manager. I think someone’s spiked my drink..”
Koeman: “Whatever, but I’m here to clear out you and your mates if necessary.”
Messi: “When I said they should bring in that sh*t Everton manager I meant Martinez! ROBERTO MARTINEZ!
“He’s won feck all too, but at least we can do what we want with him.”
“This the final straw – I’d have taken Moyesy over this.”
“I give up. Where’s the fax machine?”