Champions League Final: Thomas Muller working on new material ahead of PSG clash

Lewan-goal-ski... eh. Lewan-GOAL-ski... Is this thing on?


After dropping a comedic lead-balloon following the Champions League semi-final, Bayern Munich forward Thomas Muller has been reportedly trying out some new material with his teammates ahead of their clash with PSG on Sunday.

While many would’ve thought Barcelona’s Keystone Cops defending in the 8-2 defeat on Tuesday evening was hilarious enough, Muller, 31, attempted a pun in the press conference following the game that even the most easily amused Mrs Brown’s Boys audience member would struggle to muster a pity-chuckle at.

The awkward scenes went viral on social media, and even reached UEFA’s executive committee, who reportedly considered expelling the German club from the competition because of the p*ss-weak patter but were distracted by a big envelope full of money before they could sign off on it.

Now, Muller is determined not to repeat the embarrassment following the final on Sunday and has been trialling some “hilarious” material during Bayern Munich’s training sessions in Portugal in the build-up to the game.

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In the training complex canteen on Wednesday, the stilted striker announced that he’d been put on a seafood diet by the club for the week – “I see food and I eat it!” – to blank stares from his colleagues.

“Okay, you don’t like that one. Well, I’ve got a great joke on construction – but I’m still working on it!” he then quipped, prompting Manuel Neuer to fling several rotten tomatoes towards the centre-forward.

“Tough crowd.  I suppose you’ll tell me my joke about paper is tearable too!”

“TEAR-able, yeah?”

“You see what I did there? Good, no?”

At which point tumbleweeds rolled across the floor of the facility.

“Well, remind me never to go camping with you guys – you’re too in tents!”

Thomas Muller

Robert Lewandowski then intervened, saying “Look, I’m not playing if you keep up this sh*t, okay?” as Niklas Sule and Jerome Boateng looped their arms under Muller’s and carried him out of the building while he manically rattled off one-liners.

‘So I sold my vacuum last week – it was just gathering dust! I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon – I’ll let you know! I just swapped our bed for a trampoline – my wife hit the roof! hahahahaa…..”

In the aftermath of the impromptu performance coach Hansi Flick was observed to make a panicked phone call, believed to be to a senior director at Bayern, regarding possible measures the club could take to shut up their joke-deficient star for fear of further consequences.

“Their only hope is Neymar,” said a source close to the German club. “Only he can do something more embarrassing than Muller’s comedy routine during the game.”

“We’re hoping for a full ‘sniper-in-row-X’ display from him. Otherwise, we’re done cos no one can stand these jokes anymore.”.

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