Ed Woodward has made Borussia Dortmund an opening bid of twenty quid and a crate of Vimto for Jadon Sancho, it has emerged.
The Manchester United CEO is beginning his customary transfer window saga with an insulting offer for the player Dortmund have valued at £100M.
Having been given a 12-day deadline to complete the deal, Woodward made the 600-mile trip to North Rhine-Westphalia on a Segway.
Upon arriving in western Germany, the 48-year-old former investment banker spent a few days admiring the medieval architecture and drinking locally brewed lagers.
When he eventually reached the Westfalenstadion, an inebriated Woodward presented Dortmund chairman Hans-Joachim Watzke with a crate of Manchester’s finest Vimto and a cheeky £20 note.
Watzke, believing he was victim of a practical joke, initially played along and agreed to the transfer.However, after realising Woodward’s offer was legitimate, the 61-year-old German called security and had his counterpart escorted out of the building.
Undeterred, Woodward returned to the Westfalenstadion the next morning with a renewed bid of 2 crates of Vimto and a signed copy of The Stone Roses album.
Shortly after phoning the police, Watzke held a press conference during which he lambasted the United CEO.
‘We went through this nonsense last year when he repeatedly offered us one of Bez’s maracas for Erling Braut Håland’.
The German magazine Kicker today write that there is a rumor in Germany that Sancho would rather go to Liverpool than Manchester United because of Liverpool’s bigger chance to win the title.
— Jan Aage Fjortoft 🏳️🌈 🇳🇴 (@JanAageFjortoft) July 29, 2020
‘Now he wants Jadon for a few cans of a sickly sweet mixed fruit drink no one outside of Bury has heard of’.
‘He can f**k off’, snapped the German.
Meanwhile, it’s understood Woodward will devote half his time during the transfer window to securing manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s primary targets and the rest to starring in a reboot of the crime drama television series The Equalizer.
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The show, featuring Woodward in the lead role of a retired intelligence agent with a mysterious past, will be aired throughout August on Manchester United’s in-house TV station MUTV.
Having attended a preview screening of the show, Gary Neville said: ‘It’s rubbish from him. Embarrassing’.