Cristiano Ronaldo has awarded himself the 2020 Ballon d’Or at a gala event staged in his Turin home.
The Portuguese won the award for a record-equalling sixth time to draw level with old adversary Lionel Messi who, Ronaldo claims, received zero nominations.
CR7 fought off stiff competition from himself after he finished in second and third place also.
‘This is something I look forward to every year’, he said while holding his 2017 award and staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
‘European and league titles are great but, of course, team sport would be nothing without individual awards’.
‘I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who’ve helped me win this award. Me. Cristiano. All by myself. That’s who’, he guffawed into a hair brush which he was pretending was a microphone.
Although the Ballon d’Or winner is usually voted for by 173 esteemed journalists from around the world, this year the votes were made by Ronaldo’s four children.
After voting unanimously for their father, the children presented Ronaldo with his award while a handful of relatives applauded on.
Becoming emotional, the 35-year-old announced to his family he would be awarding himself the 2020 FIFA Best Male Player Award as well.
Breaking: For the first time since 1956, the Ballon d'Or will not be awarded this year due to the disrupted season. pic.twitter.com/CouWUgvzY6
— FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) July 20, 2020
It was while giving his second acceptance speech, the Juventus star revealed the 2020 Fifpro World XI.
There were 10 changes from the side selected in 2019. With De Jong, Van Dijk, Ramos, Mbappe, De Light, Messi, Hazard, Marcelo and Modrić being replaced by Cristiano Ronaldo.
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‘Cristiano is viewed as a God in Portugal – and not only by himself’, said national team boss Fernando Santos upon hearing the news.
‘This will elevate his ego to prime Michael Jordan levels. The rest of the lads and I can’t wait to hear all about it when we next see him’, he sighed.
The Ronaldos then spent the remainder of the evening scouring the internet for individual sporting accolades cancelled in 2020 that Ronaldo might be eligible to claim.
However, it was while browsing the web they discovered that former Chelsea and England skipper John Terry had also declared himself 2020’s Ballon d’Or winner.
The 39-year-old posted a picture of himself online wearing a full Chelsea kit and holding a paper mache Ballon d’Or which he’d spray painted gold.