Reports have reached us that Gareth Bale plans to celebrate Real Madrid’s La Liga title win with an evening session at the driving range, where he plans to smash Zinedine Zidane’s head repeatedly with a 3 wood – or golf balls modelled on the Madrid gaffer’s shiny cranium anyway.
The Welsh winger was noticeably withdrawn during his team’s on-pitch celebration of Los Merengues 34th league title on Thursday night, standing to the side as his teammates celebrated another trophy, with manager Zinedine Zidane the centre of attention.
Gareth Bale doing the Ashley Cole of title celebrations. 😂 pic.twitter.com/KTZbE6m8b6
— Football Tweet (@Football__Tweet) July 17, 2020
But it has since emerged that Bale was not deliberately avoiding his boss and teammates, despite online speculation that he was less popular in the Madrid dressing than Johnny Depp at a hoteliers convention.
Rather, the out-of-favour forward was merely anxious about the expected arrival of a unique set of hand-crafted golf balls this morning.
“I knew I’d have to stay in this morning for the delivery, they’d said they could arrive anytime between 9am and 3pm. It’s not very helpful, but I said I’d be here, so I was thinking about that,” he confided to his one friend in Madrid this morning.
“They’re a pretty special set of balls though. I’ve had them specially made up just for me.”
The delivery consisted of 10 cases of unique balls that feature a vulcanised rubber replica of Zidane’s head encased in a transparent layer of dimpled plastic resin.
“I’ve been looking forward to these for months,” Bale is reported to have said to himself, alone, in his kitchen as the delivery driver departed.
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And it has been suggested he will spend this evening at a nearby driving range rather than with his team at the planned official club celebration of their title triumph.
“Titles come and go, but the chance to smash your manager’s face repeatedly with a large blunt object? I can’t turn that down,” the 31-year-old murmured to himself as he stared intently at the rows and rows of unpacked balls.
“I cannot WAIT to smash him… I mean, them. Them. I meant them, honest”