There is growing optimism among top environmental scientists that Manchester United fans’ begrudging bitterness at Liverpool’s title win can be harnessed to fill the world’s energy needs for decades to come.
Manchester City’s defeat against Chelsea on Thursday evening confirmed the Reds as Champions of England for the first time in 30 years – and triggered waves of teeth-clenching, grumbling about asterisks’ and widespread denial from rival supporters around the world.
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“These numbers are incredible,” Dr. Jan Vander Weld of the UN’s Climate Change panel posted this morning on his personal blog. “Just in the hours since their title win was confirmed we’ve seen the oscillometer surge to 2.9 sourgrapemes-per-1,000 seething Man United supporters worldwide.”
That’s a good thing, apparently.
Manchester United and Everton fans on social media tonight, frantically typing 'asterisk!' over and over. pic.twitter.com/jCbyyX0xIO
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) June 25, 2020
“We haven’t seen levels of seethe on this scale since Aguero sickened them in 2012.”
“Unfortunately, the technology wasn’t advanced enough to condense these reverberations of pure, undiluted bitterness and bellyaching into a source of energy back then, otherwise the UK would probably be energy independent now, but we’ve advanced so much since.”
“This one incident, if capitalised upon now, could provide enough power to fulfil the world’s energy needs well past 2050 – and, with United’s global fanbase bathing in an endless well of mawkish nostalgia, plus Klopp’s Liverpool positioned to dominate England and Europe for the next five years at least, this looks like a renewable energy source that could carry humanity on into the next century and beyond,” Vander Weld wrote this morning.
However, others have raised concern that the endless flatulent bleating of Liverpool supporters following the triumph could see greenhouse gases climbed to dangerous levels in the coming years.
I'm not arsed mate, and I'll tell you why. The league title doesn't compare to the romance and glory of the FA Cup and Europa League https://t.co/XXj7dFBz0z
— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) June 26, 2020
Professor Mike Greenhofff of the University of East Anglia’s Climate Science Research Facility said, “The worry is any gain from replacing fossil fuels in the global energy market might be offset – or even outweighed – by the opening of this endless stream of manure-like blather into the environment.”
“They’ve had 30 years of global warming gases just building up inside of them. Imagine if the world’s entire cow population farted constantly in unison for a full year. That’s the risk we’re running.”
“From an environmental perspective, a Man City win would’ve been best in my view. The amount of people who care about them is statistically non-existent,” Greenhoff stated as he observed data showing methane levels tick upwards.