Arsenal have publicly distanced themselves from accusations they extended David Luiz’s contract so that fans would lose their shit on AFTV. The club’s decision to award Luiz a new one-year deal came under intense scrutiny today with many believing it was done purely for entertainment purposes.
You have to give it to Arsenal, they really do their best to keep people laughing.
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) June 20, 2020
The 33-year-old centre-back has been a mainstay in what’s regarded as the worst defence the world has seen since Len Kachinsky represented Brendan Dassey. Gunners fans were convinced the Brazilian’s days at the Emirates were numbered after his performance during Arsenal’s 3-0 defeat to Manchester City.
His two assists for Pep Guardiola’s men saw the former Benfica star earn City’s first man of the match award since the Premier League restart. However, Arsenal fans around the globe were left foaming at the mouth this morning when news broke that Luiz had signed a new one-year deal.
Addressing his 19.4 million Instagram followers, Luiz said: ‘Just signed a new deal with Arsenal. 2020 just keeps getting better and better, eh? This will give me an opportunity to cement my place among the other Arsenal defensive greats, such as Igor Stepanovs, Pascal Cygan and Philippe Senderos’.
Afterwards, supporters of the North London side flocked to social media to accuse the club’s management and board of extracting the urine. ‘It’s all part of some conspiracy to make Arsenal fans lose their shit on AFTV, therefore gaining the ailing YouTube channel more subscribers’, tweeted @WengersBenchCoat.
‘Either that or Mikel Arteta is actually Daniel Levy in disguise, waiting to do some Scooby Doo-esque reveal shit when Luiz’s contract expires. Because no one in their right mind would pay that Sideshow Bob looking buffoon another £6.5M to gift the opposition two goals a game’, he sobbed.
In other news, Phil Jones spent the week posting David Luiz jokes and memes to social media.
The 28-year-old six-time unified English gurning champion is relieved that he is no longer the butt of shit-defender related jokes since being usurped by Luiz.
‘Micky Mouse wears a David Luiz watch’, tweeted Jones.