Reports emerging from both Old Trafford and Westminster suggest that Manchester United centre-back Harry Maguire is seeking to reduce his vast turning circle by consulting the UK prime minister, Boris Johnson.
After a display against Tottenham that resembled a supertanker attempting to dock at a harbour incapable of accommodating it, an upset Maguire immediately reached out to Johnson who, having never previously heard of the England defender, is initially said to have believed the call was from the Irish minister for transport.
Maguire is thought to have been impressed by the swiftness with which Johnson and lackey Matt Hancock recently performed a u-turn under pressure from United team-mate Marcus Rashford, and is adamant that these lessons can be applied to his own ability to change direction.
“Listen, you’d obviously have to massively respect what Marcus did to the lads there,” said Maguire on Monday. “But I was excited and inspired by how nimbly Nick Hancock and Johnson about-turned and quickly tried to save the situation. As a lumbering centre-half with a head the size of Durham Castle, I can only admire this agility and I’m keen to learn from a true legend of the u-turn.
“To be honest, the goal Spurs scored was all my fault and I feel bad about all the blame going on Dave De Gea. I need to do better and I’m determined to develop my turning – if I can manage to revolve 180 degrees within six seconds, I think it’ll be huge for my career. One day I might even be as good as Robert Huth.”
Maguire received backing from sources within his club, with one prominent member of staff commenting, “Ha! Yeah it’s a f*cking joke mate. I’ve seen him in supermarket aisles – if he forgets something he has to do a loop around the entire shop just to get back to the shelf he needs. He’s simply not built for rotation within tight spaces.”
Paddy Power News contacted Downing Street for a response and a spokesperson for the Government revealed that, “We are once again delighted to be working with Manchester United in the interests of the nation and we truly believe that Lizzie Maguire is going to do great things for England. We are stronger together.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk also offered the assistance of his SpaceX company in order to improve Maguire’s mobility, but soon withdrew his offer, stating: “Nah, this guy is beyond even my help. I reckon we could send a ship on Mars faster than he could react to an attacker getting in behind him. How much did they pay for him again?”