A despondent Marcus Rashford admitted on Instagram this morning that he is “powerless” to help David Luiz not be quite so sh*t at football.
In a heartfelt statement, the 22-year-old, who is still basking in the glow of forcing a government U-turn on free school meals for children over the summer months, said it was even beyond his ability to improve the hapless defensive liability.
“While I am close to developing a vaccine for Covid-19 and putting the final touches to a deal between the G20 nations that will reverse global warming, it is simply not possible for me to make David Luiz a better footballer”, the Manchester United star wrote, following an embarrassing night at the Etihad Stadium for the Brazilian headless chicken.
“No one wants to see a player go through what David Luiz has to on every time he steps on a football field, and I have pursued every avenue I can in trying to end this desperately sad episode,” Rashford announced, before explaining he’d been in contact with FIFA about changing the rules of the game to accommodate Luiz’s shambolic play.
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“I have held constructive discussions about a special dispensation for Luiz that would allow him to stop play whenever he falls on his a**e, but the governing body’s request of a yacht for each member of the executive committee in exchange for the rule amendment proved a stumbling block.”
“It turns out FIFA are even more heartless than the government.”
Rashford also suggested that efforts to coordinate a collective response by other players to Luiz’s errors, where opponents agree to stop pressuring the 33-year-old when he’s in possession, had been positive before everyone realised he’d still trip over his own feet with no one around him.
With his contract at Arsenal set to expire at the end of the season, the defender is said to be thankful that he will not play in Arsenal’s upcoming games due to suspension as it means he’ll have fewer chances to f**k up and put off potential suitors.
Meanwhile, reports have also surfaced this morning that Arsenal will appeal for Luiz suspension to be extended until the end of the season.
In an unusual move, coach Mikel Arteta stated this morning that the punishment was not nearly harsh enough for pulling back Riyad Mahrez before City converted the subsequent penalty to make it 2-0.
“We need to see this out of the game”, the Gooners boss is quoted as saying. “I spent enough time [At Man City] with Otamendi and Stones playing like clowns, I don’t want to see it at Arsenal”.
When asked how this stance would affect walking-calamity Granit Khaka’s future at the Emirates, the Spaniard declined to comment.