Ashley vows to reclaim ‘most unpopular man in north east’ tag from Cummings

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Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has repeated his desire to reclaim the title of ‘most unpopular man in the North East’ from newcomer Dominic Cummings. The 55-year-old’s reign as the most reviled character in the North East of England came to a spectacular end when news broke of Dominic Cummings’ 260-mile road trip to Durham.

Cummings, Chief Adviser to the Prime Minister, hit the headlines after it was reported that he travelled to his parents’ farm in the North East during the lockdown. The 48-year-old’s exploits propelled him to public enemy #1 in the region, ousting long-time incumbent Ashley in the process.

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Speaking in a press conference in the Downing Street rose garden, a beaming Cummings told the media:

‘My greatest challenge is not what’s happening at the moment, my greatest challenge was knocking Mike Ashley of his f**king perch. And you can print that’.

Number 10 Downing Street special advisor Dominic Cummings gestures to members of the media to observe social distancing guidelines while he holds a child's bicycle and a ball outside his home in London on May 23, 2020 after allegations he broke coronavirus lockdown rules by travelling across the country in March. - The British government on May 23 rejected calls to sack top adviser Dominic Cummings over allegations he broke coronavirus lockdown rules by travelling across the country while displaying symptoms of the disease. Cummings left his London home shortly after he was diagnosed with the virus on March 30, and was later seen with his young son close to his parents' home in Durham, more than 250 miles (400 kilometres) away. (Photo by DANIEL LEAL-OLIVAS / AFP) (Photo by DANIEL LEAL-OLIVAS/AFP via Getty Images)

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Upon hearing Cummings’ remarks, a defiant Ashley vowed to recapture his crown at the earliest possible juncture.

In a video message posted on Newcastle United’s official website, Ashley said:

‘I want to let you know that your king is here and I am going nowhere. Make no mistake. I am still the biggest b*stard in the North East. I have pulled the plug on the Saudi takeover bid. I have furloughed the ball boys AND I’m renaming St James’ Park – “The Mike Ashley Bowl”.

‘Your king is in great spirit and will rise like a phoenix to regain his title’.

The billionaire concluded the video by necking a gigantic Sports Direct mug filled with brown ale.

The announcement sent shockwaves through the region as distraught Newcastle supporters braced themselves for another spell under Ashley’s ownership.

‘I cannae believe it, pet’, sobbed season ticket holder Ant Donnelly.

‘This just arrived from Amazon this morning. Waste of f**king money now’, he said, while holding aloft a red and white Saudi keffiyeh.

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