5 easy ways to bluff it as a German football ‘expert’ as Bundesliga resumes

Chat Scheisse Get Bundesliga.

An Union Berlin's fan celebrates on the pitch after Union won in the German Bundesliga Relegation second-leg football match FC Union Berlin v VfB Stuttgart in Berlin, on May 27, 2019. (Photo by John MACDOUGALL / AFP) / DFL REGULATIONS PROHIBIT ANY USE OF PHOTOGRAPHS AS IMAGE SEQUENCES AND/OR QUASI-VIDEO (Photo credit should read JOHN MACDOUGALL/AFP via Getty Images)

Comments

From May 16th, the German Bundesliga will become the centre of most people’s footballing universe.

For many, this will be something of a novelty; a chance to expand horizons and look beyond the overwhelming banality that is the Premier League – at least for a short while.

But there’s one thing new Bundesliga converts need to know – which is that there are a lot of things you don’t know that you need to know. Because, should you accidentally reveal your lack of Kenntnis, you risk a roasting from Football Twitter’s we-were-here-first brigade, who rarely take kindly to mainstream incursions into their territory.

READ MORE

If you’re not careful, you could find yourself on the end of a lengthy fansplanation from @BundesligaDave1963 on why the Yellow Wall is sooo overrated and, really, the tifos at Union are far superior.

The safest thing to do is pretend you’ve always been a massive fan of the Bundesliga; it’s just that you never said anything about it before. So, with that in mind, we’re here to help. Here’s our guide to chatting Scheisse and successfully passing yourself off as a long-time Teutophile.

Supporters of Borussia Dortmund show a mock trophy prior to the German first division Bundesliga football match Borussia Dortmund vs Borussia Moenchengladbach in the German city of Dortmund on April 21, 2012. AFP PHOTO / PATRIK STOLLARZ RESTRICTIONS / EMBARGO - DFL LIMITS THE USE OF IMAGES ON THE INTERNET TO 15 PICTURES (NO VIDEO-LIKE SEQUENCES) DURING THE MATCH AND PROHIBITS MOBILE (MMS) USE DURING AND FOR FURTHER TWO HOURS AFTER THE MATCH. FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT DFL. (Photo by Patrik STOLLARZ / AFP) (Photo by PATRIK STOLLARZ/AFP via Getty Images)

You hate RB Leipzig with unbridled passion, even if you’re not sure why

You’ll need to learn the following sentence by heart: “50+1 has its flaws but is ultimately a system that protects both supporters and the game itself, so it must be protected at all costs”.

Don’t worry about what it actually means. Just accept it as fact and make sure to loudly make everyone aware that you consider “Rasenballsport” Leipzig to be the enemy of 50+1 and therefore of the sport.

Leipzig “fans” are merely plastics tricked into selling cans of fizzy beverage on behalf of a global corporation. They have no souls and no conscience and, consequently, all other fans have an obligation to mock and chastise these ersatz charlatans. See also: Hoffenheim.

Bundesliga atmospheres are far superior to the Premier League

This isn’t really a difficult one, because (with a few exceptions) it’s completely accurate.

Most people with ears, eyes and a brain will probably already be aware that Bundesliga clubs have carefully cultivated a fan-centric matchday experience almost completely at odds with the Premier League’s “Stop at the gift shop on your way out, consumer” approach.

You’ll want to keep Tweeting things like, “oh wow England has so much to learn from the German game. Incredible tifo at Dortmund today.”

Still, for those who prefer their matches soundtracked to almost dead silence and occasional grumbling, the fact the Bundesliga returns behind closed doors means it’ll give a much more “EPL” feel to games.

Hoffenheim's supporters celebrate after the German first division Bundesliga football match between RB Leipzig and TSG Hoffenheim in Leipzig, eastern Germany on April 21, 2018. (Photo by ROBERT MICHAEL / AFP) / RESTRICTIONS: DURING MATCH TIME: DFL RULES TO LIMIT THE ONLINE USAGE TO 15 PICTURES PER MATCH AND FORBID IMAGE SEQUENCES TO SIMULATE VIDEO. == RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE == FOR FURTHER QUERIES PLEASE CONTACT DFL DIRECTLY AT + 49 69 650050 / RESTRICTIONS: DURING MATCH TIME: DFL RULES TO LIMIT THE ONLINE USAGE TO 15 PICTURES PER MATCH AND FORBID IMAGE SEQUENCES TO SIMULATE VIDEO. == RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE == FOR FURTHER QUERIES PLEASE CONTACT DFL DIRECTLY AT + 49 69 650050 (Photo credit should read ROBERT MICHAEL/AFP/Getty Images)

You know what a Raumdeuter is and will apply it to any player you consider even remotely intelligent

Thomas Müller (don’t even consider omitting the umlaut) is the original “Raumdeuter”, and don’t you forget it. He is to be worshipped and hailed as an “unseen genius of movement” at every available opportunity.

If you’re not fully on board with the concept of a Raumdeuter, just Google it and you’ll find hundreds of insightful articles from blogs named “Expert Tactics Witness” or “Inverting the Inside Lines”.

Regurgitate some random paragraphs from these theses and you’ll find yourself swimming in RTs.

You must mention the phrase ‘englische Woche’ when discussing midweek games

Oh, is it an englische Woche again?

During these action-packed midweek phases, it’s definitely worth considering dropping in a complaint or two about how football is for the weekends, while lamenting the Bundesliga’s decision to follow the Premier League’s example in diluting this reality.

At the end of the day, it’s just another sad indictment of the game’s genuflection at the altar of TV money. As a died-in-the-wool Bundesliga observer, you naturally think this is something best left to less moral competitions like the Barclays beast.

Remember: you were here when the league was sh*t

When all’s said and done, though, don’t you think the Bundesliga is becoming so commercial now? It’s not like it was back when you started watching it. Which, of course, was years before anyone else.

Ah yes, there was a time when German football in general was in the doldrums. That, for you, was a golden age, when the likes of Michael Tarnat and Alexander Zickler bestrode the league like giants.

You can neatly destabilise a Jürgen-Come-Lately on Twitter by openly pining for the days when any German club daring to enter the Champions League would be eliminated before the group stages even made it to halfway.

Read More:

Find a full range of odds on Saturday’s Bundesliga action over on paddypower.com