The Premier League had another conference call on Friday to make the big calls on just what the f**k is actually going to happen to the season, though very little was settled by it.
It’s not surprising. With every club out to get what’s best for themselves, our sources report that the top-flight hasn’t seen a fiery confrontation like this like since Tony Pulis’ shrivelled scrotum faced off against James Beattie in the Stoke dressing room
Now, in a Paddy Power News exclusive, sensational details have emerged of just what each club said during the prolonged video call.
Here we go, from top to bottom…
In line with the UK government’s furlough scheme, Liverpool Football Club committed to only being 20% as precious as usual until the season is complete, and suggested that questionable VAR decisions should continue to be used to complete their league title win as soon as possible, after which everyone else can “do one for all we care”.
Already banned from Europe, City said they will also bin off the league and forget about playing football completely. Instead, they’re going to focus on creating great social content like this for other teams.
Their input looked promising early doors, with a few sound contributions to start the meeting, but once Jamie Vardy and Wilfred Ndidi’s wifi dropped, all they had left was Brendan Rodgers saying “end the season now, we’re third, and my agent says Arsenal or Spurs will definitely take me when this is all over”.
The Blues said they would be quite happy to end the season now on fourth, though John Terry did Zoombomb the call in full Chelsea kit at one point while insisting that he could come back to captain the side if games need to be played past June 30th.
Because performance on the field does not affect the business of Manchester United, the club said it really doesn’t matter if they finish the season or not. Plus, the global shutdown combined with Paul Pogba’s online reach and the magical power of Barcelona ’99 nostalgia has seen the club’s social engagement numbers boom with everyone locked indoors, so anything that keeps that going is fine with them.
Unfortunately, Wolves’ representative disconnected from the call while responding to a notification on the status of their Duolingo Portuguese course and were unable to reconnect.
Coach Chris Wilder spent so long negging Dean Henderson about the “fact” that he’s too sh*t to replace David De Gea at Man United that we couldn’t work out what the club’s view on the Premier League’s plans.
They said they’d asked Tanguy Ndombele’s mum if he can come out and train after tea. but she said he wasn’t allowed.
Then they pitched an idea that, once the crisis had passed, rather than paying staff their wages, people could pay Spurs for the right to work at their new, billion-pound stadium, and a tumbleweed rolled across everyone’s screen.
The Gooners rep provided a statement from owner Stan Kroenke that read: “I have instructed my lawyers to proceed with plans to move the Arsenal FA Premiere (sic) League franchise to Los Angeles and rebrand it as LA Super Cannons FC if EPL soccer does not resume by the end of this sentence,” and promptly hung up.
Appearing in an antique tin soldier’s helmet and Dad’s Army fancy-dress uniform, Sean Dyche reported that spirit among his squad was never been better and that the collective sacrifices for the greater good reminded him of the last TB outbreak in the area, though the way Joe Hart continued to allow his rations slip through his fingers was a cause for some concern.
The Palace representative immediately passed his phone to Wilfred Zaha, who did a few step-overs, spun twice, then rainbowed kicked the handset over his head before Christian Benteke booted it into orbit.
Reports suggest that owner Farhad Moshiri spent over £200 million on technology that would allow Everton’s admin and coaching staff to attend the conference call in hologram form, but everything he bought turned out to be made of biscuits and dog-sh*t and was absolutely useless when they tried to use it.
Owner Mike Ashley reported that Newcastle would be willing to offer a two-for-one deal to their remaining opponents, playing two games at once, as the removal men cleared out his office and hung up a Saudi Arabia flag in the background.
Suggested they would “cocoon” on Merseyside and play all their remaining games at Anfield, just like half their squad from four years ago.
Set out a comprehensive plan that appealed to everyone for getting the season completed, but somehow still ended up lumping it to Glenn Murray at the end desperately looking for an equaliser.
Asked if they could play games behind closed doors beyond the pandemic as no one would notice the difference at the ground anyway and it would help keep the fans off the owners’ backs. Literally, in some cases.
Also offered Babestation as a temporary broadcast partner if required due to the glut of games.
The Watford representative forgot to turn his mic for half the call and was immediately replaced by some guy from Spain you never heard of, who fixed the problem and saw them finish the call comfortably in the middle of the pack.
Eddie Howe put forward a completely impractical plan that would be sure to fail, but everyone liked him too much to say anything about it and continued to pretend that Bournemouth have a hope in hell of surviving if the season is completed.
The club’s contribution consisted solely of Jack Grealish “accidentally” Instagram Live broadcasting himself trying to light his own farts.
Delia Smith sipped on her drink throughout the meeting and interjected briefly with a rallying cry of “Oh, let’s just get on with the games for f**k’s sake” to general bemusement and stifled laughter.