Trying to describe this season’s title race as a Premier League fan can probably best be done by paraphrasing the words of one David Brent. “It’s been a washout, innit? I don’t know why I bother, if no one else is gonna make an effort. I’m not having a go at you, Liverpool, it’s just obviously the best people haven’t turned up.”
Which, when you consider second-placed Man City could’ve played and won seven extra games and still trail Liverpool, is an entirely fair criticism.
After months of plodding along pretending that there is a title race to speak of, we will soon finally be able to put this farcical season out of its misery as the Reds wrap up their first championship in 30 years. This early conclusion at the top of the table renders the rest of the season pretty pointless viewing, so we’ve come up with a few better ways to fill your schedule…
1. Hunker down to avoid coronavirus
Few could have guessed that Liverpool winning the league would herald the start of the apocalypse but, well, here we are.
People far smarter than us – they wear lab coats and spectacles to work and everything – have advised we all cut ourselves off from the outside world if we happen to walk past anyone with a sniffly nose. Who are we to argue with their suggestion, particularly when it coincides with the Premier League becoming a dead rubber? Fourteen days of self-isolation just as Liverpool fans go into full gloat mode sounds pretty good to us.
And if the remote possibility of the Premier League being cancelled due to coronavirus (and thus Liverpool being robbed of their title) comes to pass, you’ll be laid up in bed anyway nursing a full set of broken ribs from all the laughing…
2. Watch the London Marathon
Premier League title races are meant to be the very definition of a footballing marathon. Just look at last season’s relentless, absorbing battle between Liverpool and Man City which went all the way to the finishing line.
This year, however, the Reds have set the proverbial treadmill to full speed and managed to keep the pace the entire time – with a sprinkling of help from their new friend VAR, of course. For viewers it’s been more like watching a steroid-addled cheetah sprint away from a one-legged coma victim rather than a competitive race.
So you can get your marathon fix from the real deal when 40,000 people pound the streets of London on 26 April. Watching average Joes in daft fancy dress trying to keep pace with Eliud Kipchoge provides a nice symmetry to the story of Liverpool’s title rivals this season.
Our Elite Men's line up for 2020 ??
Eliud Kipchoge PB – 2:01:39 (WR)
Kenenisa Bekele PB – 2:01:41
Mosinet Geremew PB – 2:02:55
Mule Wasihun PB – 2:03:16
Tamirat Tola PB – 2:04:06
This is going to be one hell of a race.
#LondonMarathon #The40thRace pic.twitter.com/cGIhFO2iwv
— Virgin Money London Marathon (@LondonMarathon) March 9, 2020
3. Properly research the Grand National
We know where English football’s biggest piece of silverware is heading to in Liverpool this year, but what about the fate of another of sport’s great trophies just a few miles down the road?
With your attentions no longer required on the football, you’re free to finally make this year the one you do some credible, informed research ahead of the Grand National on 4 April. No more plucking a 150/1 shot out of tombolas or thin air for you, no siree.
Will Tiger Roll make it three in a row? Can Any Second Now or Burrows Saint steal the glory this time around? Will the Liverpool squad turn up for a piss-up just 24hrs before their trip to Man City? Probably… what have they got to lose?
4. Remind yourself of Arsenal’s Invincibles
For a long while everyone thought this Liverpool side were going to create true history by becoming just the second team to go an entire league campaign unbeaten in the modern era. But they came a cropper when Watford’s Ismaïla Sarr unleashed his inner Lionel Messi at Vicarage Road.
In light of this failure, cast your mind back to the 2003/04 season when Arsenal successfully navigated this most remarkable feat as part of their epic 49 game unbeaten run – another record the Reds fell agonisingly short of. And they didn’t even need VAR’s helping hand…
5. Make up ludicrous transfer rumours
We’re hurtling towards the summer, even if daily storms are currently belying that fact. Which means that football’s true crazy season, the summer transfer window, is nigh. It’s a time when completely unverified social media accounts have a fictitious field day thanks to fans’ insatiable thirst for transfer news. Suddenly even a tweet about overhearing an agent talk about a transfer in Nando’s becomes back page news.
But if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right? It’s easy to get started. Choose a handle like @FootyTransferInsider, use a generic stock image of a man in a suit as a profile picture, write a convincing bio (“Former agent, now sharing inside knowledge with real fans!”), link a superstar player and a random team and you’re off!
A few tweets here and there about Zlatan Ibrahimovic joining Chelsea or Mo Salah demanding a move to Rangers to work with Steven Gerrard and you’ll rack up thousands of foolish followers overnight.
Well, it’s better than watching Liverpool’s title parade…